That’s Life

There are times in your life when it may be both poignant and apropos to cite a famous quotation or an authority on a particular subject. For instance, a friend of mine quoted Ralph Waldo Emerson in a hesped (eulogy) for his grandmother. That was very classy. Me? That’s not the way I roll. If I had to come up with a quote for the day I just had it would be, “Sometimes you feel like a nut — sometimes you don’t.” That would be perfect.

There are times when you’ve feel like you’ve finally lost it. It is as if you have completely unraveled and, while you might have been sane at one point, those days are over. Whatever it is to finally push you over the edge and make you wonder whether you have completely lost your mind may be insignificant (washing a pair of red socks in a load of whites). Or, it can be something very important, like losing your wallet. And losing your wallet is bad, but losing your wallet the week after you lost your phone is worse. Much, much worse.

So after tearing apart your house, yelling at everyone, and retracing your steps, you finally realize that it is pointless. Your wallet may simply have disappeared just like your phone did and the hassle you had recreating your life on your phone is going to be nothing compared to the days it will take this time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Canceling your credit card, replacing your driver’s license and getting new health insurance cards is not for the faint of heart.

A number of months ago my son lost his wallet. It did not have credit cards, a license or any other significant identification in it, but it did have his Tooth Fairy money and that was enough to send him into a tizzy. He turned his room upside down and accused every living person on the planet of taking his wallet. When none of that worked, he did the next logical thing: he davened and said the tefilah of Rabbi Meir Ba’al Haness. Much to his dismay, the wallet did not appear out of thin air. I think he expected a puff of smoke, a bolt of lightning or, at least, the sound of a gong to accompany his wallet’s return. Nothing of the sort happened.

I did not try the davening route in my effort to find my wallet. Practically, I just did not think that was going to be the way to go. And eating four donuts did not help either, though they were really, really good. Instead, I retraced my steps, called every store I had visited before realizing my wallet was missing, and talked to the people I had been with when the wallet was still in my possession; all to no avail. Then I decided that I would have to re-plan my week, because my Monday was now going to be spent at the Department of Motor Vehicles applying for a replacement license while calling various credit card companies. I could multi-task, I thought; it shouldn’t be too bad. But it wasn’t the hassle that upset me the most. It was simply the idea that I had lost something else. Something significant.

And then, like a light bulb, I thought of the one place that I had yet to check. My aunt and uncle have a policy — the garbage does not go out after lunch on Shabbat until all of the silver has been counted. As if it is the twelfth commandment by which they live (the eleventh being “Thou Shall Not Stack the Dishes”) anyone who has been to their home for a Shabbat meal and has helped clean up knows that the garbage may be bagged but not taken out until every last teaspoon is accounted for. Following that same logic, I checked the garbage.

Lo and behold, when I took out the garbage that morning, I had been holding my wallet in my hand and managed to toss both wallet and trash into the outside bins. I’ve never shouted a cheer of joy when opening garbage cans, but I was this close to actually taking a victory lap around the driveway. Hours of wondering if I really had wandered so far off the reservation resulted in a find so satisfying and not nearly as smelly as one may have thought.

So to answer the question that you’re clearly asking yourself right now, the answer is yes — I am just that talented that I was able to toss my wallet into a bin of garbage, not realize it and then go through an entire day completely aggravated and yelling at anything that moved. Thanks for asking.

MLW