Ask Aviva: Monster mom

Dear Aviva,

I don’t know what to do — I feel so guilty. I am getting married in a few months and we are deciding where to live. My chassan says that he doesn’t mind living here in Queens or in Israel. The only thing is that he doesn’t want to go country hopping: wherever we end up, he wants to stay there and root himself there. His parents are supportive of any decision he makes (they always wanted to make Aliyah).

I know I want to live in Israel but just for a year or two. It can give my husband and me a lot of space to grow together without others interfering. It is mostly my mother who interferes. She is very nosy and super critical. Sometimes I think she doesn’t even realize the horrible things she says. When I am around her, my breathing changes and my muscles tense up. I don’t like to speak up against her because it upsets her, so I just swallow it. I know that she makes me tense and cautious. I don’t want to be like that when I am establishing my marriage. That’s why it would be smart to live in Israel in the beginning.

The problem is that I really don’t want to move away forever. I don’t know what to do: I wish I could tell my chassan that I want to go but just for a little bit. I know that if we stay here, I will not be at my best. I’m going to be on-guard from my mother. I just cannot commit to living somewhere forever before I am there. I know my chassan will be disappointed if I tell him that I don’t agree with him. What should I do?

-Tense

Dear Tense,

First, make sure that your mother is not around. I need you to be relaxed while we go through this. Next: Take a nice slow, deep breath. Let it out. Repeat. Feel a little looser? Now let’s get into this. It sounds to me like you are not made from the same ingredients as your mother. That’s very good — you are sensitive to others and will make sacrifices to keep the peace. But I’m wondering if there is any way that you could be a little bit more like your mother?

I think both you and your chassan are victims of black-and-white thinking. Your chassan seems to believe that it’s either this or that, with nothing in-between. It’s either America forever or Israel forever; there’s no grey area. You seem to apply this rigidity to your worldview as well. Your mother speaks her mind and “makes” people “tense.” You do not speak your mind because you do not want to make anyone “disappointed.” Is there no in-between?

I. Your Mother: I would want to do the same thing: run away from your mother. Run as far as you can! Too bad the healthiest approach is sometimes counter to our primal response.

Pausing your pain will not actually heal your pain. If you break a bone, painkillers will not mend the bone. You may be able to distract yourself from the fracture for a little bit, but when you run out of the analgesic, you will have to deal with a fracture that may have become worse from neglect.

It must have been very hard to grow up hearing harsh criticism. There is a lot of pain there. You sound like you have been affected deeply by your mother’s criticism (I say this because your first line was that you felt guilty for knowing what’s best for you).

It’s not likely that your mother will change anytime soon. She will still speak her mind, be negative, and plow through your feelings. There is only one thing that you can change: how you deal with her. Even if you don’t change anything externally, you can see a big change in your relationship if you change your internal monologue. Your mother gets under your skin. You are physiologically influenced when you are with her. She is “making” you tense. But you are not soothing yourself properly. Practice breathing and muscle relaxation (isolate a muscle, tense it up for half a minute and release).

Use these techniques when you deal with your mother. If you feel that you are becoming overwhelmed, tell her. Say that you want to continue talking, but you need to take a break. Tell her how long you need and calm yourself down by self-relaxation.

If she is disrespecting you and you are in a gutsy mood, there is nothing wrong with (calmly) saying something like, “Please don’t yell at me.” If she bulldozes through that, try, “I’m sorry, but I cannot have this discussion if you are going to yell.” And promptly exit or hang up the phone. Many people are scared to try this tactic on strong-minded people. However, someone who is domineering usually respects strength when they see it. Try to muster up the courage and use the lines when needed. After a few years of you asserting your boundaries, she may be more willing to learn how to further respect you.

II. Your Chassan: Regarding the issue of where to live: You seem to really know yourself. I think you have a very reasonable plan. I assume you have a healthy relationship with your chassan in which he is open to your influence. If that is the case, then you have a simple job: tell him what you’re thinking!

Telling a person what you are thinking or feeling is the best way to ensure that they will accommodate your needs. You can have an open discussion where you ask him why he doesn’t want to move after choosing a country. You can respect his reasoning in this dialogue. Then, and here’s the hard part, you have to tell him what’s on your mind. I assure you, this can be done without disappointing him. Be open and honest — tell him it is hard for you to share this information and ask him to be gentle with the news. You may find that your preferences do not oppose his.

In any case, I implore you not to go against yourself. You have an equal say in this decision. It will not help him if you sacrifice your wants when choosing your where you live. Just remember to breathe...

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.