Ask Aviva: Holier than hubby

Issue of June 18, 2010/ 6 Tammuz, 5770

Dear Aviva,

I’m a baalas t’shuva married to someone who grew up frum. I became religious in the middle of college. I took things on slowly and kept growing spiritually.

I shidduch-dated a lot and was a little burned by some of the guys who grew up frum. As soon as it came out that I had been on campus and secular, they lost interest. They said they wouldn’t have had such a problem if I had become religious earlier in life. Yes, I wasn’t even close to religious, but I really felt like I am a different person. I realized that if they don’t get it, then they are not right for me anyway.

Finally, I met my husband. He was one of the only non-baal t’shuvas who didn’t have any problem with my past. We clicked right away and had a lot of common interests. When we got married, I thought that I had made it. I thought, “I’m mainstream religious now, since someone who grew up frum married me.”

My problem is that I feel like we’re lacking spiritual compatibility. I daven and learn. I talk to G-d throughout my day. I am really into everything that I do. My husband, on the other hand, muddles through the rituals, never goes to learn and barely makes it to minyan. His friends aren’t spiritually focused, and I often see my husband just hanging out when we go to shul on Shabbos.

I’ve tried talking to him about this, but he either gets defensive or zones out. I wish that I could share the passion that I have about Judaism with the man that I share everything else with. Should I try to get him friendly with better influences? Should I push him to go to minyan?

-Frum and frustrated

Dear Frum and frustrated,

Oh man, I had to scratch my first response to you (all 570 words!) because this one’s a toughie.

The first question to ask is, “What was your husband like when you met?” Has he changed much from then to now?

If he has changed, then your job is to investigate further. Why did he change? Are there other areas in his life that he has changed? Is he happier this way or the way he was when you married him? Is he planning on changing further?

Be careful to investigate in a non-judgmental, non-blaming manner. “I noticed that things are different now than they were when we first got married. Can we talk about this?”

Once you have your answers, you have some thinking to do. Do you want to try to meet him where he is? Or do you want to maintain your individual lifestyles and have a common ground in your marriage? You can’t tell him to change, but you can request certain things that affect you.

Let’s say he sleeps late on Shabbos. You are stringent to hear Kiddush within the proper time. You can tell him that it’s important to you and work out a system so that you’re both happy. Maybe wake him for Kiddush and the meal, and let him take a longer nap. That’s an example that affects your religious practice. There could be certain behaviors that don’t have to do with your practice, but do have to do with your marriage.

For example, let’s say he wants to start going to the beach and you’re not comfortable with that. You have every right to respectfully express how you feel and explain that you don’t want him going to the beach.

If he doesn’t respect a request like that, then it’s time for therapy. You would need couples therapy and I would definitely recommend that he see a therapist individually, as well. If you are fortunate, you would have a rabbi who is sensitive to your and your husband’s psycho-emotional needs as well. There is something big going on if a husband is transforming while leaving a hurt wife in his wake.

You will have to decide the best way to handle your changed life.

If he hasn’t really changed religiously, then it is you who has. Maybe your behaviors haven’t changed, but your vision has. You were myopic and didn’t see what his religious level was. Based on your letter, it sounds like you were very focused on the fact that a guy who grew up frum would marry someone who is new to the game. You used it as a barometer for communal acceptance of you. You overlooked his actions and zoomed in on his stats.

This is a difficult situation, because there is nothing actively going on. He is who he always was and you are finally getting to know him.

In order to stay married and be happy about it, you have to come to terms with the type of person you married.

Trying to “help” him will really bruise your marriage. Yes, you can invite him to a shiur with you, but view it as an outing. Yes, you can invite good influences over to your house, but don’t expect your husband to shift his social circles.

Aside from this issue, it seems like you have a really good thing going. You said that you “share everything else.” Be sure to maintain everything else.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at

avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.