Twenty-seven dresses too many

A call to abolish the tradition of bridesmaid dresses

Issue of Sept. 12, 2008

Traditionally, being a bridesmaid is considered an honor; it is a gesture to signify the importance of the friendship between bride and friend. But let’s face it, between attending numerous fittings, potentially loathing the color of the material, and the substantial costs involved, making a dress can often turn into more of a burden than a privilege.

Despite the hassles involved, many girls accept that this is what one must endure for a close friend, and cherish the opportunity, nonetheless.

“I love walking down that aisle,” explained Sharon Hertz, who lives in Cedarhurst and was a bridesmaid at one of her friend’s weddings over the summer. “I think it’s an honor to share in my friend’s special day in this way.”

Dana Rubinstein, who lives in Jerusalem and has been a bridesmaid three times, agrees. “I felt like I wasn’t just someone else at the wedding,” she recalled. “The preparation was not enjoyable but the actual night made it worth it.”

But when Rubinstein married last year, she elected to not have bridesmaids. “I knew about the hassle of the dresses from my own experience and I didn’t want my friends to go through that,” she said. “I also knew it would be too hard to choose a few close friends without offending people.”

Often, the politics inspired by selecting an exclusive bridal party can outweigh the celebration. Girls either are insulted over not being asked to be included and may feel insecure in their friendship with the bride, or they are bitter about being asked to be a bridesmaid and having to fulfill all its attendant obligations. “It’s almost as if you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” continued Rubinstein.

But if no bridesmaids are singled out, these issues are essentially eliminated. “I think my good friends know who they are,” explained Ariella Weisz, who also opted to not have bridesmaids. “If you’re secure enough in your friendship, you don’t need to wear an ugly dress to prove it.”

“I also don’t think that it’s necessary to single people out when everyone made the same effort to get to your wedding,” continued Weisz, who got married in her hometown of Columbus, Ohio, this summer. “I wouldn’t want anyone to feel less important to me on my wedding day.”

What’s important to remember is that the obligations of a bridesmaid extend far beyond the dress and the wedding day. Whether it’s a bridal shower, Shabbat Kallah, shtick at the wedding, or Sheva Brachot, there are usually several pre and post wedding functions. If there are bridesmaids selected, it is expected that they take on the responsibility to organize these events, which includes many hours of preparation, not to mention high costs.

All of these expenses are in addition to the cost of making a dress. And if a wedding is out of town, traveling costs need to be taken into account as well. “I would easily have spent at least $800 on each occasion I was a bridesmaid,” said Rubinstein, whose bridal party experiences were all in her hometown. “But I definitely would have traveled if I needed to.”

Like Rubinstein, many girls are torn about the issue of a bridesmaid dress since they want to do whatever it takes to demonstrate the importance of their friendship and play an integral role on their friend’s most momentous day, no matter what price or effort is entailed. Surely, friends would be prepared to put in the same level of effort and organize all the festivities without being officially designated as a bridesmaid. But spending hundreds (or maybe even thousands) of dollars on a bridesmaid dress that is only to be worn once may seem a bit outrageous.

Perhaps it’s time for brides to validate their close friendships in a different manner.

“Have a girls’ night out or a weekend away before the wedding just for your close friends,” suggested Weisz. “Trust me, it will save a lot of time, money and emotions.”