David's Harp: "Come out with your tefilin up!"

Sergeant Poloni pulls up to the residence where Officer Mann already has the perimeter surrounded. “What’s the status?” Poloni asks.

“We’ve got the Jewish extremist trapped in the building,” Mann informs. “He’s not going anywhere for maariv.”

Poloni cautiously asks, “What kind of fanatic are we dealing with?”

“He’s got a rap sheet as long as a Shulchan Orech,” Mann advises. “When he’s not chanting Tehillim, he’s hanging out at the mikveh. His associates all have their own chavrusas, and he’s been seen on occasion with tcheles in his tzistzis.”

“We better call for more back up,” Poloni orders. “This isn’t going to be a cake walk like that guy we picked up for kissing mezuzahs directly with his lips.”

“I remember that case, he didn’t touch his hand to the door post,” Officer Mann confirms. “I don’t want to alarm you but this guy only goes to glatt kosher restaurants, I’m talking mehadrin, and get this… he orders fish.”

Poloni straps on his Kevlar vest, squats behind the patrol car, and continues his investigation. “Any thing else I should know?”

Mann wipes the beads of sweat that begin to form over his brow. “He learns Torah leshma, gemara regularly with tosefos and commentary by the Ran, that’s the small print in the back of the Talmud…”

The Sergeant interrupts, “I know, I know, Rabbeinu Nissim, it’s brutal.”

“But get this,” Mann tries to explain. “This guy makes a modest salary and gives tzedakah like a Carlbach disciple singing on Simchas Torah.”

Poloni takes out the binoculars, “Anyone else in there?”

“No it’s just him.” Mann calculates. “And his fifteen children. We can’t seem to locate his Eshes Chayil.”

“An Eshes Chayil, who can find?” Poloni inquires. Has the media been alerted?”

Mann glances at his iPhone and then Googles CNN. “Apparently Christiane Amanpour said that there are radical fanatical groups among all religions. I guess the word is out.”

Poloni isn’t taking any chances, “Do the Feds have any info about his ties with the Land of Israel?”

“This is where it gets scary,” Mann reveals. “He has a sister who actually lives on property that Abraham purchased with cash in parshas Chaye Sarah and once a year he goes there for Sukkos with an esrog that, mamish, is so smooth.”

“Not too smooth, I hope?” Poloni asks.

“No it has some bumps.” Mann adds. “And the reason Interpol hasn’t been able to track him down is because he is a master of disguise. Sometimes with the knitted yarmulke and sometimes with the velvet… He can daven Kaddish Ashkenaz and Sephard.”

“Shalem or Derabinan?” Poloni knows to ask.

Mann quickly answers, “both and Mourner’s.”

The two law enforcement experts recognize that this is no typical Jewish extremist. This yid is a crazed fanatic; he might be a mensch or maybe even a tzadik.

Poloni grabs the megaphone, “Come out with your tefillin up! And I mean both!

I don’t won’t to find you hiding a Rabbeinu Tam set!”