Ask Aviva: Supportive and grieving

Dear Aviva,
My close friend just told me that his father is nearing the end. I have been very close with him ever since his father was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, and I can’t stop thinking about him now. How can I be supportive of my friend while allowing him to undergo his personal grieving process? What should I be doing?

-Feeling Friend

Dear Feeling Friend,
Your friend is lucky to have you—you are someone who is thinking of him, who wants to be supportive on your friend’s terms, and you are one who realizes your limitations and seeks guidance for the sake of another.
Now, to answer your question: I can’t answer it. I have no idea what your friend needs, but I believe there is one way to find this answer.
It is to be a daily presence in his life in some fashion or another. If you pop in, call, text or email, you will be more likely to figure out what your friend needs. Often, someone in your friend’s situation doesn’t even know what he will need that day until the moment of need arises. That is why I think you should be pushy in a gentle way here—so that when your friend needs someone or something, all he will have to do is text back, “Yes please.”
Additionally, a person’s life is so rocky during this sort of time that your daily check-in can serve as one of the few constants that your friend can rely on.
So how can we make this whole thing of you actually helping him happen? Well, first rule is to cut out the vague style of offering assistance. Be direct. “What can I do for you now?” “Can I do a shift in the hospital?” “How can I help you today?” “I’m in the neighborhood. What can I pick up for you?” “Would you like me to ___?”