Ask Aviva: Putting too much out there

Dear Aviva,
I’m fortunate to have a number of close relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. The depths of those relationships are the reward for my investments of emotional honesty. I find that in general, even with people I’m not close with, breaking through superficial politeness to be genuine goes a long way, whether with sincere thanks, a pointed compliment, or sharing something personal about me. It often takes relationships to a new level.

It’s become easy for me to open up to people, but sometimes I feel like I over-share. Friends and family have told me I don’t need to put myself all out there all the time, and I get that it can be dangerous to be too vulnerable, but I think it won’t usually cause much damage. Should I back off more? How do I find a balance?

-T.M.I

Dear TMI,
Ok, well you are off to a good start because you were able to tell me your problem without creeping me out. Great job!
Yes, being open is a good thing, an essential thing for an honest, flexible life, and a vital ingredient in any healthy relationship. Too much openness is, well, as you called yourself, too much information.
Can this be dangerous? Definitely. If you are wearing your heart on your sleeve while you are tying your shoelaces, someone is bound to innocently step on it.
When my 6 year-old finds his younger sibling playing with his new prize in the living room, I tell him (in 6 year-old language), “Don’t leave personal items in a public domain.” Is the younger sibling to blame? We know that 2 year-olds will say “Mine!” and then proceed to claim (read: grab) any interesting item they spot. So let’s anticipate and protect those items that should not be grubbied up. I also tell my kids that if there is something that they don’t want to share with a guest, they should put it in the closet before the guest arrives.
My concern for you is that you are artificially getting close to people because you are not pacing it correctly. This will hinder your relationship-proprioception. And then, if a person let’s you down, you will be let down hard. “But, I thought that we were so close! Why weren’t you there for me?” An honest response on the other’s part would be, “That’s right, you thought we were so close.” Really, you have imposed yourself on that person.
Basically, by opening up prematurely, you may be building a turbo-self-inflicting-pain-machine . The sharing that you do can set you up for major disappointment.
Let’s recalibrate this engine. Smile while staying quiet. Let others open up and you follow their lead. You want to have a connection with strangers? Compliment their shoes. Brighten their day without putting you on the line. If this is not enough for you, continue doing what you are currently doing, but dilute it.
For example, your new colleague just impressed you with her strength of character. Your knee-jerk reaction may be to tell her how inspired you were and how it reminds you of your 2nd grade teacher. Try again, buddy. Nix the flashbacks and raise the tempo on the compliment. “Wow, you’re strong!” and “That was impressive,” are less heavy (also known as “less creepy”) than “I was very impressed with what you did over there. It inspired me and helped me realize that I need to stick up for things in my personal life, like when my landlord neglects to fix my leaky faucet.”
Obviously, I speak hyperbolically. And I know the feeling of wanting to share something with others. But if you and your loved ones have noticed this is your default setting, it is time to fiddle with the dials.
So let’s hardwire your mechanics to display very warm and open body language. And you know, that an overwhelming 53 percent of communication is given over by body language anyway, while a puny 7 percent of communication is made up verbally. (The other 40 percent is from tone and feeling.) As time goes on and your relationships are progressing naturally, you can open up more.And that will be genuine, safe movement.

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice that can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.