Purim news briefs

Israel mix up
Crowds of anti-Jewish protesters stood with signs demanding to stop future construction in Israel. After five hours of protesting they realized that they got mixed up and were not protesting the State of Israel, but rather were standing outside the home of Congressman Steve Israel. Although the mob eventually left, Congressman Israel, who was redoing his guest bathroom, stopped the construction contractor from continuing. “If not laying the terra cotta tile in the shower can help to bring peace in the Middle East, it’s the least I can do,” said the confused congressman.
In a related story Ohio’s 4th District Congressman Jordan is redoing his bedroom
crown molding, which is hanging off the wall. “Jordan’s crown is in a precarious
situation,” commented Israel.

Science news
Scientists have discovered a new species of unintelligent life. The being has no capacity to think with any level of aptitude. In fact there is not even the slightest chance that micro brain cells exist in this mutation of low life. They are calling it Neturei Karta.

Computer problem
PC and Mac users are warned not to leave any valuables in the vicinity of their computer. A thief virus has already stolen $75,000, 200 keyboards, 45 cups of coffee and 3 stockbrokers.

YIW still growing

The Young Israel of Woodmere just announced the introduction of its hundredth morning shaharis minyan. Each day of the week starting at 5 a.m., every 30 seconds another service begins. The rabbi said, “We won’t be happy till we finally have a service where we can’t actually get a minyan.”

Court updates
Brooklyn has won a long court battle to do away with its casual namesake and has
become more formal. The boro will now be known as BrookLinda. While Long Island is experiencing the economic times, the Five Towns is being reduced to the Four and a Half Towns. And due to the overabundance of plastic surgeons living and practicing in Great Neck, with just a little snip here and little tuck there, the town will now be called Really Great Neck. With regard to Flushing, the courts are still evaluating the alternativenames. They’ve already rejected “Rinsing, Queens.”

Chabad L’Chaim for Purim
The local Chabad, which has been in the forefront of the Don’t Drink and Drive Campaign, has baruch Hashem saved many lives, announced its new slogan for Purim: “Don’t Drive.”

New fish Kashrus question
Upon the discovery of a new species of fish off the coast of Long Island, the Vaad Hakashrus has been tirelessly working to offer a psak din as to whether the tiny swimmer is kosher or not. The Vaad chairman Rabbi Yehuda Trefabits finally said, “Stop bothering us and go have a nice piece of salmon.”