Giving of oneself to build a relationship

Do we have the right to test G-d? Can we sit back and wait for G-d to give us a sign as to what we are meant to do? Or perhaps we are meant to live in somewhat of a fog, so as to preserve intact our freedom to choose and make decisions in this world?

This week’s portion, Chayei Sarah, contains a fascinating story on this topic:

Avraham is getting on in years, his beloved wife Sarah is now gone and buried, and it is apparently time for Yitzchak to find a wife. So he calls in his trusted servant, Eliezer, and sends him on a mission to find a suitable mate for his son.

Avraham is insistent on his future daughter-in-law coming from the land of his birth, far away, perhaps assuming it would be better for Yitzchak’s family if his wife is removed from the influences of her pagan home. (Better, perhaps, not to have grandma popping by with birthday idols for the grandchildren!)

So Eliezer sets off on his mission, with an audacious plan and a prayer to G-d, “the G-d of Abraham.”

“And he (Eliezer) said: Hashem, G-d of my master Abraham, please appear before me today, and do kindness with my master Abraham. Behold I will stand at the wellspring, and the daughters of the men of the town will go out to draw water. And the girl to whom I will say ‘tip your pitcher’ and I will drink, and she will then say ‘drink and I will bring water for your camels as well’, then you will have shown (proven) to your servant Yitzchak, and through it I will know that you have done kindness with my master.”

(Bereishit 24:12-14)

Eliezer will go to the wells on the outskirts of town, near the home of Betuel and Lavan, Abraham’s cousins, seeking water. And when he asks the girls to draw water from the well and pour water into his mouth, if one of them will not only acquiesce to this rather presumptuous request, but will also immediately hasten to draw enough water for his camels, then she will be the wife for Yitzchak, the son of Abraham.

And indeed, (verse 15) as soon as he finishes his strange request to G-d, Eliezer sees Rivkah (Rebecca, Yitzchak’s wife to be ) come to the wellspring, whereupon he runs to her with this request, and not only does she pour water (“Hagmi’ini Na’”) into his mouth… she proceeds to draw water for all of his camels!

Now, this presents us with a rather preposterous recipe for finding a wife! Eliezer, with all of his servants standing by, actually stands before her, asks for water and literally holds his head back expecting her to pour water into his open, waiting mouth! And as if that is not enough, he wants to see whether she will then, of her own accord, without his even asking, automatically begin to draw water for all of his camels!

Have you ever seen a camel drink?

I remember sitting and watching a camel drink, and drink, and then drink some more, for over an hour, as it emptied an entire water trough. Camels drink only once every few days, but when they drink, they really drink.

So imagine a girl drawing enough water from a well, bucket by bucket, for ten camels. That is an incredible amount of work!

And Eliezer has basically told G-d, if you want me to find Yitzchak the right girl, then this is how it has to be; she has to make all this effort, without my even asking! And she has to do it, while all my men and I sit around and watch! And all this, incidentally, occurs (verse 11) “Le’Et Erev,” as dusk is approaching. This poor girl must have been stuck until the middle of the night! And the verses tell us she runs to get it done as quickly as possible!

What on earth would possess Eliezer to demand such an outrageous performance in order to find a bride for Yitzchak? And most incredible of all, it actually works! So G-d apparently thinks this a great plan. What exactly are we meant to learn from this strange story? Is this the recipe for a successful marriage? Should the single men of today be looking for an enthusiastic maid?

And, perhaps the strangest part of this story: why is Abraham sending Eliezer to find a bride for Yitzchak? Why doesn’t Yitzchak, who after all, is the one who has to marry the girl, go find her himself?

In fact, why does Abraham have to send anyone? G-d has already promised that:

“Ki’ Be’Yitzchak Yikareh’ Lechah’ Zarah,” “Through Yitzchak will you merit offspring,” so Yitzchak will certainly find a wife; why not just sit back in the tent and wait for the girl to show up?

In truth, this story speaks to the heart of what loving, healthy relationships are really meant to be. How do I know what and whom I am really looking for, whether in a spouse, or a business partner?

Interestingly, it seems that Yitzchak has no relationship whatsoever with Rivkah before they wed. He does not meet her, court her, or date her at all. In fact, at the end of our story, when Eliezer is bringing Rivkah back as a wife, Yitzchak is out in the fields, apparently communing with G-d in nature. And Rivkah has to ask Eliezer who he is!

And yet, the next thing we know, after Eliezer tells Yitzchak all that has transpired:

“And Yitzchak brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, and she became his wife, and he loved her….” (v. 67)

So Yitzchak does not even love Rivkah until after they are married!

What, really, is love all about? We live in a society that assumes that love is something you have to find. In fact, many who have not (or feel they have not) yet found that ‘love,’ are still looking for it. But love is not something you find; it’s something you build. It isn’t a noun; it is, rather, a verb.

Most of what a real marriage, as an example, is all about, has little to do with the intense emotional roller coaster that often is part of the courtship before marriage. That is not love, it is simply romance. And it doesn’t really last. The love that lasts is not that which we have found, but rather that which we work at. People often mistakenly assume that the deep feelings of love experienced later in a relationship, are due to the gift of love that was originally discovered, but that just isn’t true. They are rather the result of the hard work two people put in to what they found. The long hard labor of love is what makes relationships last.

Love, (which in Hebrew is Ahava, related to the word Hav, to give), is all about giving (as opposed to lust, which is all about taking), and giving is very hard work. Only when two people are committed to giving to each other, can a real and lasting relationship of love ensue.

But if you cannot really build a relationship until you are committed to giving to each other, how does one make the decision to make that commitment to give?

That decision is the first essential component of any healthy relationship: trust. Trust in each other, and ultimately trust in the silent partner of any relationship; trust in Hashem.

You don’t find love; you have to build it. But you do discover trust. You can never really know ahead of time whether the other person is who you are meant to be with, but you reach a point where you trust that they are as ready and willing as you are to work at building that relationship.

And this trust is based on shared dreams and goals.

If I realize that I have found someone who shares the same values and goals as I do, then all I really need to know is whether they are prepared to work as hard as I am to make them come true. And that is the secret of any healthy relationship.

If I am looking for a business partner to help me build a company that I envision can change the world, the wrong partner can ruin everything. But how do I really know whether I have found the right person? Ultimately, I will have to take a leap of faith. What makes that leap manageable is the realization that I have found someone who shares my vision, and whom I believe is willing to work as hard as I am at making it come true. Those are the basic building blocks of trust, and the necessary factors allowing me to make the commitment to begin building that relationship. And that is the lesson of Yitzchak.

Yitzchak does not love Rivkah before they marry, because he does not really know her. It is only after he brings her home, and they begin to really work at building their relationship, that he can love her, because now he is giving to her; they are both partners in creating something much bigger than either of them.

So how does Yitzchak know he can marry her to begin with, if he doesn’t really know her? In truth, he needs only to know whether they share the same values and goals, and whether she, like he, is committed to making such a relationship work, and building a better world. And that, it seems, is exactly what Eliezer is sent to find out.

How do you find a partner for a Yitzchak? You have to find someone who can live up to the values and goals of the son of Abraham. Yitzchak has nursed on the mother’s milk of Chesed, the loving-kindness of Abraham, itself extraordinary.

Avraham is the man who argues to save the evil city of Sedom. And it is Avraham who in the heat of the desert, at the ripe old age of ninety-nine, on the third day after his circumcision, (Bereishit 18:1-8) runs to help three strangers who are already coming towards him!

The loving-kindness and ethics of Avraham are far from the norm, because they are the beginnings of the foundation on which a people will be built. And the vision of this people is that these foundations will ultimately change the world. This extraordinary level of human behavior; of love and ethics and kindness to one’s fellow human being is what the Jewish people are meant to offer the world, so Yitzchak must find a partner who shares this value, and who is ready to live this goal.

Hence, Eliezer knows exactly what he is looking for. He is looking for a woman whose ethics and kindness are so extraordinary, that she is worthy of being the soul mate of a Yitzchak. Such a match can only come from G-d.

The gift we seek isn’t love; that is something we have to earn and work to achieve. Rather, the gift Hashem gives us is a person who is ready to share our dreams.

And of course, this means I first have to know what my dreams are. If I don’t know who I am, I cannot really know who I am looking for. This is why the goal is not to find the right person (in any relationship), it is, rather to become the right person, so that other person can find us. And if there was ever a person who knew who he was, it was Yitzchak. So he doesn’t have to find the woman he is looking for; Eliezer can find her for him.

This Shabbat, our hearts go out to all those on the Eastern seaboard struggling to get back on their feet after the horrendous impact of Hurricane Sandy. In embracing the incredible loving-kindness (chesed) on which the Jewish people was built, may we all experience the beauty of discovering a little more of who we are and who we are meant to be.

Shabbat Shalom, from Jerusalem,

Binny Freedman

Rav Binny Freedman, Rosh Yeshivat Orayta in Jerusalem’s Old City is a Company Commander in the IDF reserves, and lives in Efrat with his wife Doreet and their four children. His  weekly Internet ‘Parsha Bytes’ can be found at www.orayta.org