David Seidemann: Surcharges and sacrifices

Opinion: From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann

Issue of March 13, 2009 / 17 Adar 5769

If the following happened, it would be a true story:

Window or aisle Sir?

Window please.

You’re aware there is a surcharge for that?

No I wasn’t but what the heck –– got to see the sights.

Would you like your tray table to fold down?

Ah, I think so. Surcharge?

Yes. I’m afraid so.

Why so many surcharges?

I could answer that for you Sir but I’d have to...

Let me guess, assess another surcharge!?

Exactly. It’s a long flight. I suggest a seat that reclines.

Surcharge?

Yes Sir.

Can I “decline to recline?”

Not really Sir. Mandatory recline on all Passover vacation seats. I think you understand.

O.K.

Is there food on the flight?

What do you think we are, a restaurant?

No but...

Feel free to purchase something in the overpriced sandwich shops just past security.

Can I bring food from home?

Yes of course, for a small fee.

I thought so but...

Sir, will you be bringing Kosher, non-Kosher or Vegetarian?

Why does that matter?

Well we have different surcharges depending on Kosher or vegetarian.

Why in G-d’s name would there be a difference?

It’s all about weight and fuel efficiency. Vegetables weigh less than meat and Kosher meals weigh more than non-Kosher meals.

No they don’t!

Yes they do Sir. It’s all those extra wrappings and seals.

This is nuts!

Will you be reading on the flight Sir?

I contemplated it. But now I’m not so sure.

Will you be bringing your own material or will you be reading our magazines?

What’s the difference?

About $25. If everybody brought their own reading material can you imagine the added weight?

Okay, I’ll read your stuff.

Your shirts Sir. Do you use light, medium or heavy starch?

Why in the world do you need to know that?

Fuel efficiency. Heavy starch –– heavy shirt, greater surcharge. Lighter starch –– lighter shirt, less surcharge.

You mean the less I weigh, the cheaper my flight?

Yes Sir.

So if I fly on a fast day I get a discount?

Yes sir.

Are you a first born?

As a matter of fact I am and I’ll be fasting the day before Passover.

Will you be spending the holiday at friends, family or a hotel?

You’re kidding, right?

Not at all. People eat more at family than at friends, and if you are going to a hotel, well forget about it, I doubt you’ll be able to afford the return flight.

This is nuts! Can I just book the darn flight already?

Just a minute. Will you be bringing your own matzo or using your host’s?

I’ll be bringing my own thank you and it’s handmade Shmura which if you didn’t know, weights less than machine!!

Technically, it does Sir. But the boxes weigh more and we have a string surcharge.

A string surcharge?

Yes. It’s the other airline that advertises “no strings attached.”

Well, I have a coupon from last October. May I use it for my Passover flight?

Let me see that. Oh, I see you were surcharged for an esrog with a pittum when in actuality your esrog was pittom-less. It’s more than three months, so I’ll have to check with my supervisor. A few more questions Sir.

Go ahead. It can’t get much worse.

OK. Does your wife tend to bloat after the holidays?

Do I have to answer that question?

Let me put it this way. Ten dollar surcharge if she doesn’t; twenty-five dollar surcharge if she bloats.

Can I “plead the fifth?”

How about this. For $15, we’ll tell her you said “no.”

“No” it is then.

Are you presently learning “Daf Yomi?”

Yes. But why, don’t tell me there’s a Daf Yomi surcharge?

Well actually, it’s not a Daf Yomi surcharge, it’s an Artscroll surcharge. Each page is printed an average of six times. That’s a lot of extra pages. Extra pages equals extra weight equals more fuel used, hence a learning surcharge.

Democrat or Republican?

Democrat.

There’s a bailout surcharge.

My wife’s a Republican!!

OK. So she gets the Limbaugh surcharge.

Your net worth Sir? And I will need to know those figures pre Madoff and post Madoff.

Are you kidding? I made money with Madoff.

Sir, there’s a five dollar surcharge for lying.

Now will you be spending the holiday with your family or your wife’s?

The wife’s.

Are you looking forward to it?

Yes.

My computer is assessing another five dollar lying charge.

Are you requesting that your luggage arrive at the same destination that you will be traveling to?

No, not a surcharge. It’s just a little office pool we have.

In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, would you like the overhead oxygen masks to drop down?

I need a drink, a stiff one.

I’m glad you mentioned that Sir. One final round of questions. Will you be drinking on the plane?

I would imagine. It’s a long flight.

Soft drinks or beer?

Beer. But lite beer.

Now, can I assume your wife and kids will be availing themselves of our water and soda service?

Yes. I guess so.

Good. Would you like to purchase the “family bathroom use plan?”

The impetus for this article was the recent announcement that in a revenue seeking plan, an airline was going to begin charging for the use of their bathrooms in flight. However, I did have a psychological breakthrough of sorts while writing this article, which was intended to highlight the absurdity of that proposed surcharge as well as other similar surcharges. In life, we tend to focus on the “surcharges and sacrifices” we experience on board, all the while forgetting the incredible aspect of flight itself.

With Purim just behind us and Pesach around the corner, we acknowledge the epoch battles associated with both of them. We are mindful of the sacrifices that we endured, but can never forget that as difficult as our lives were, and yes, are, we cannot forget to celebrate the miracle of life itself.

David Seidemann is a partner with the law firm of Seidemann & Mermelstein. He can be reached at (718) 692-1013 and at ds at lawofficesm.com.