Ask Aviva: Making the Right Adjustment

Dear Aviva, 

I’m 20 years old and I grew up in a Modern Orthodox family. I went to Yeshiva in Israel for two years and became much more right-wing than my family. Now that I’m back, I’m finding it very difficult to adjust. I go to a local college and live at home. I have a Chavrusa and learn as much as I can when I’m not in school.

My parents are questioning everything I do and are not happy about how I live. I’m thinking about just moving out and getting an apartment, but that would require that I also get a job. I know that my grades will suffer and that I will not be able to learn as much. I also want to know how to move out without making it look like I am cutting ties with my parents.

-Religious Returnee

Dear Religious Returnee,

It’s not easy coming back. You were independent, living life as you wanted, making your own new choices that were not questioned by anyone.

 Now is the test to see how strong you are. Can your new choices stand up to being questioned? Are there times when you need to be flexible and let things slide for the sake of the bigger picture? Do you still continue with your new way of life even in the face of skepticism? And, can you maintain what you stand up for while still maintaining respect for those who are questioning you?

 These are questions that tell us how emotionally developed a person is. It’s easy to revert to the adolescent behavior of “Don’t tell me what to do!” when we are faced with our parents’ disapproval. But, we may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater when we globally dismiss any disapproval they offer. It is important to sit down and tell your parents that you see that they are not gung-ho for your new lifestyle, and you are wondering why that is. If things get heated, remember to do the right thing and take a break from the conversation. Nothing good can come of it when the veins in your neck are throbbing against the backdrop of your booming shouts, you know?

 It could be that they may not understand where you are coming from, and they may be lumping you together with some black-hats who have made a bad impression on them. Or, it could be that as normal parents, they are noticing some things that concern them. These concerns may be very valid and may be worth noting, even if you choose not to heed their advice. To see the other side of things, check out Ask Aviva: Too Frum for the Family from December 29, 2010 at www.thejewishstar.com. That piece was about a mother who was concerned about her son who had returned from Israel much more religious than he was when he left. It would be good to read it, since it’s not written from your actual mother.

 Now, about this idea of moving out, or “launching”: It’s very important to gain independence around this stage of your life. I want to make sure that you are leaving for the right reasons. If you would rather get out of there before talking openly to your parents, then I am worried. I want to see you grow up a little bit before you go through the motions of growing up.

 If you come to the decision that it is best for you to move out, involve your parents. I don’t know what the dynamic is. Are they digging their claws into you and will freak out if you start creeping toward the door? Or are they the type who has valued your independence and growth since you were younger? Either way, present it to them so that it is clearly not about them constricting you. Something like, an apartment closer to college, or being part of the social scene, or trying your hand at more responsibilities can be more innocuous reasons for leaving.

 Make sure that you don’t burn any bridges with your parents. The first thing a passenger needs to know before take-off is where the emergency exits are. Where does your emergency exit lead to?

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Lawrence. She can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.