Ask Aviva: A hoard of problems

Dear Aviva,
How do you settle a dispute between a husband who is a pack-rat and a wife who would love to purge everything except the bare minimum? This is our relationship and we can never see eye to eye on what to keep versus what to toss. Compromising on such an issue doesn’t seem to make sense in a situation like this! What to do?

-Clean and Chaotic

Dear Clean and Chaotic,
Calling all couples—listen up! We are going to use this example of the pack-rat hubby and minimalist wife as a template for solving all types of conflict.
This is a great example because these spouses are at polar opposites here, and compromising doesn’t quite do it for either one. We could try a patch-work mediator sort of compromise—“The garage is your domain, I will not even attempt to go rappelling down your pile of old magazines and broken items campaigning for your fix-it ability,” says the wife. She states this while her husband so graciously leans against their living room wall, as he quietly waxes nostalgic for any semblance of seating other than the 2’x5’ hard black bench with clean modern lines.
If we followed this well-intentioned couple who are trying to make room for the other over the course of a year or two, we will see the frustration that builds up to resentment and even contempt. So, a plain old compromise within the same household would not breed good will and understanding.
What to do? Just take out your handy-dandy John Gottman book—any of them! After studying couples using sound scientific research, Dr. Gottman has found that all couples (couples that rock and couples headed for divorce) fight. They fight over issues that can be resolved and fight over issues that can never be resolved. In fact, a whopping 69% of your arguments with your spouse will never be resolved. This is true within all sorts of marriages.
What this means is that a great couple is not a couple that gets along or a couple that found their middle ground. A great couple, Dr. Gottman discovered, is a couple that can navigate conflict while living amongst it.
How? Well, simply ignore the what of the fight and focus on the why of the fight. Then, show your spouse that you are attuned to the why and respect the why, even if you cannot meet the what.
Now that I’ve confused you till you’re cross-eyed, allow me to use our letter-writer’s example. The wife may want to have a stark house because she is primarily with her young kids who wreak havoc, and found inanimate objects to actually listen to her at her will. Or, the wife came from a disorganized home where she couldn’t find clean clothes for herself while trying to make it to the school bus. Or it just helps her think straight. Either way, she wants to feel comfortable and in control in her own home.
Maybe the husband agrees exactly with her, even if it manifests in the opposite way. Perhaps the hubby is busy with his structured day (Shacharis at 6:45 a.m. Train at 7:56 a.m. Bus Transfer at 8:23 a.m.) Or, he came from a home that was tightly run. Or he’s too tired to care about order. Whatever the situation is, we can safely assume that this guy wants to feel comfortable and in control of his home as well. This, to him means being able to leave his tie on the dining room table and his socks on the kitchen floor, and his guitar string collection in the medicine cabinet.
So how do we get these two people with the same starting point and opposite end points to live in harmony under the same roof? By doing my personal favorite activity. Open your mouth! Communicate. Talk about what it means for you to have an orderly house. Or, talk about what it means for you to be able to unwind in your own home. The goal of this conversation is not to solve anything. It is simply to see where the other is coming from and to be heard. John Gottman calls this “Finding your dreams within conflict.”
Does it change anything on the outside? Barely. Does it breed mutual respect and understanding? Totally, plus.

- Aviva