What the Alter of Slobodka knew about love
Is it possible that Esau really deceived Yitzchok and hid who he truly was? Yitzchok’s love for Esau — where does it stem from?
Isaac favored Esau because he had a taste for game; but Rebekah favored Jacob. (Bereishit 25:28)
A story is told of Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel, the Alter of Slobodka, who had two students in his yeshiva who were friends. With one of them, the Alter was extremely involved, heaping praise on him and following up with him on a regular basis. With the other, not so much.
This second student could never figure out why he couldn’t build the same kesher, or relationship, with the tzaddik. At the shiva house, when this second student was in mourning, Rav Nosson Tzvi paid a visit and provided an answer to the puzzle that had thus far eluded the talmid. His answer was eye-opening, a profound statement in chinuch:
“You see, I recognize your strengths, and that you have the desire, passion and skill set to be successful in your studies. When you come to me to hear your praises, it is to satisfy the yetzer hara. That is not the relationship I want to build with you, nor the one you need. It could even be damaging if it goes to your head. But your friend doesn’t find all his joy and success within the walls of the yeshiva. His interests are more diverse. When he comes to my home to visit, his goal is to sustain his yetzer tov. Therefore, I give him what he needs.”
Obviously, the fact that the Alter would think to find a unique way to offer comfort during the student’s time of mourning is noteworthy. But he also reminds all of us that our love has to be showered upon our children and students in the most productive way possible.
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We know that there are children who give their parents a “run for their money.” They are difficult at home and difficult in school. For these children, parents devote their energy and their tefillot, their prayers. The parents’ focus is getting him or her back on track. We can understand how Yitzchok’s love could stem from this motivation. He has a wayward son, but he is still his son, and he will provide love and guidance in the hope that it will be enough.
But another lesson is to never forget the “easy” kids who provide bliss and blessing and make parenting, well, easy! They also need our prayers and our energy.
Often, as children mature, it is the early shiner who falls through the cracks and feels lost, and the troublemaker who figures things out. It should not surprise anyone! Think of all the energy and conversations, even the yelling and disappointment. When all of it comes from a place of love and concern, it can’t help but offer long-term results (our subject Esau notwithstanding).
Through it all, our children understand deep down that we care for them. As our children grow older, they still need our constant prayers and encouragement, because our tefillot have an energy of their own.
Why didn’t Yaakov disguise his voice when he dressed in Esau’s clothes and made himself hairy? Every decent actor has to nail the accent along with the wardrobe to inhabit the role.
We begin with an important thought from Rav Mayer Twersky. He explains why Esau, the exemplar of honoring one’s father, would speak so gruffly when performing his big mitzvah. He simply could not help it! If you hang around gruff lowlife hunters and murderers, you can’t help but be influenced.
The harsh tone and cursing become second nature and can’t simply be turned off. Yaakov, one could say, had the same issue. He spent his time with like-minded people whose speech was more refined and included Hashem in their parlance.
He could not simply turn off the yeshiva bachur within him, even if it meant being caught in this role-playing.
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Another truth is that Yaakov’s essence was emet, and this truthful side of him could not just take on Esau’s voice and manner of speech.
The Beit HaLevi explains that Esau had a plan set up with Yitzchok. Nearly 50 years after the sale of the birthright, Esau still worried that Yaakov would take the blessings from him.
He figured that Yaakov would try some trick or ruse to “steal” the brachot — presumably by imitating Esau — and, like a chess player, he planned his countermove: Esau would walk in speaking like Yaakov. But Yaakov made only a superficial, cosmetic change to receive Yitzchok’s blessings and kept his voice and tone unaltered. Esau’s plan backfired.
As with any deception, justified as it may be, there are consequences. The long-term cost of Esau’s tears is the galut in which we presently find ourselves. Thousands of years of exile is a steep price.
The short-term consequence was doled out measure for measure. Yaakov had the tables turned on him when Lavan switched the bride under the wedding canopy. Yaakov, like Esau, made contingencies to prevent any foul play or shenanigans. He had signs that only Rachel was aware of, and still Lavan succeeded in replacing Rachel with her older sister, Leah.
Of course, gam zu l’tovah — this was for the best, and the children of Yaakov were a direct result.
Rabbi Dr. David Wiseman, who practices dentistry in Cedarhurst and Queens, has been leading a weekly Torah class at the Young Israel of Hewlett for over 20 years.
