West Hempstead hears how to raise empowered kids

The Hebrew Academy of Nassau County teamed up with the West Hempstead School District for a presentation on raising empowered children through positive discipline.

Dozens of people attended the on Feb. 2 event at the HANC Reinstein Family Campus in West Hempstead.

Rabbi Shimmy Trencher, a licensed social worker who is a child and family therapist specializing in behavior, defined self-esteem and how to instill it in children. He also provided a framework for understanding misbehavior.

“We’re living in a moment where self-esteem, resilience and healthy discipline are not just timely topics, they’re essential,” Rabbi Ouriel Hazan, HANC’s head of school, said. “We’re all looking for that magic space where we can connect to our children in a healthy way.”

Rabbi Trencher emphasized that while frameworks are available to guide parents, they may not work for every child or family.

“Parenting is a real challenge,” he said. “From moment to moment, from day to day, we try things,” he said, adding that while some things don’t work, “our children are resilient. Tomorrow is a new day to try some new things.”

He began by explaining the difference between self-efficacy and self-esteem. Self-efficacy is one’s belief in their ability to successfully perform a specific task or behavior, while self-esteem refers to a person’s confidence in their worth, value and competence.

“We ideally want our kids to have strong self-efficacy, to feel like they can do something,” Rabbi Trencher said, “but to also have a high-level of self-esteem, to feel good about themselves.”

Discipline isn’t just about a triggering incident, but about teaching the child, he said. “It’s about allowing them to develop their level of responsibility. We’re training our kids to become productive, responsible adults.”

Rabbi Trencher discussed nine methods to raise an empowered child by building self-esteem and using positive discipline.

These methods included respecting developmental stages — encouraging parents to be aware of what is considered normal behavior for the child’s age and abilities so they don’t discipline their child for developmentally appropriate behaviors — and using encouragement instead of praise, focusing on the child’s effort and instilling a trust of themselves by highlighting their internal validation over your external praise.

He encouraged parents to offer “genuine encounter moments” (GEMs) and show their children unconditional love.

GEMs, coined by psychologist Dorothy Briggs, refer to moments of real connection between children and parents. By giving a child one’s full attention — listening to them, engaging with them, and sharing experiences — a parent builds trust and emotional security with the child, he explained.

“There’s so much going on, and it’s so hard for us to focus, which is why doing this consciously and choosing to make time for this goes a long way,” Rabbi Trencher said.

He also discussed the four misdirected goals of behavior. According to psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs, children’s misbehavior is often aimed at meeting an underlying need.

Children seeking power may feel they must be in control to belong, and may argue or defy requests. This may make their parents angry and feel challenged, but to address the behavior, parents should present their children with choices so they feel in charge of the outcome, he said.

Children may exhibit attention-seeking behavior to engage an adult’s focus, Rabbi Trencher said. When a parent is busy, the child may feel irritated or annoyed but the parent can express love for the child without attention, such as showing physical affection, he said.

If children feel hurt or rejected, they may become intentionally hurtful and seek revenge through their words, actions or withdrawal. This may cause their parents to feel hurt, offended, shocked or personally attacked, but they must validate their children’s feelings and work to maintain their relationship, he added.

Parents may feel inclined to rescue their children or lower expectations, but instead of being discouraged, they should break things down into smaller steps.