That's Life 2/19/2010
Issue of February 19, 2010/ 6 Adar 5770
Dear That’s Life,
My brother-in-law recently spent a day in Manhattan and decided to grab Shacharit at the Fifth Avenue Synagogue, which is known as a bastion of Ashkenazic, even Yekish, nusach (style of prayer). Imagine his surprise when “Veyatzmach Purkonei Vikarei Meshichei” (unique to the Sephardic liturgy) slipped in to the very first Kaddish. Then, it happened again. More curiously, the chazzan’s repetition of Shemona Esrei began with a Chassidic-ly tinged, “Booreekh Atuh.” Shocked at this transformation of the shul, he approached the ba’al tefillah (chazan) after davening. He was none other than Elie Wiesel, observing yahrtzeit for his father. I guess no one will tell Elie Wiesel what nusach he should use for davening.
Bill Orbach
Cedarhurst
Dear That’s Life,
Well, wasn’t I shocked to see that there was a Jewish girl in the Olympics — or at least that was the first thing I thought when I saw the name Shani Davis. Of course, the picture did not match the image I had in my head. The ‘Shani Davis’ presently competing in Vancouver is not a short brunette with long straight hair and a toothy grin. And I’m not even sure what event my mind had ‘Shani Davis’ competing in. What could she have been — a figure skater? Not with those outfits. Maybe a member of the Womens’ Hockey Team? Clearly I hadn’t thought this through.
I’ve had other Olympic plans that were not well thought out. Like the time I decided I wanted to be a pole vaulter. No — this wasn’t a lofty childhood dream fueled by pictures of Mary Lou Retton posted in my room or on the Wheaties box I stared out during breakfast. In fact, it was only a couple of years ago. I figured if Dana Torres could be an Olympic swimmer though she was much older than I, there had to be something I could do. Yes, I am aware that Torres was in much better shape than I ever was and had been competing athletically forever, but isn’t the Olympics about having a dream? So I had a dream. How hard could it be to defy gravity by using a very skinny pole to hoist myself up and soar into the air? But every time I brought it up with someone, they laughed.
I can’t blame them. The idea of me as a pole vaulter is enough to evoke uproarious laughter. So I tried my hand at the ski jump. Looks hard but at least this time I had a practice regimen worked out: on the Wii Fit. My Wii Fit age has been coming down and I’ve gotten pretty good at the ski jump. I no longer fall down the mountain, watching myself on the screen as a huge snowball booed by animated fans as I hang my head in shame. Now, I am cheered and declared a ‘professional’ by the Wii Olympic Committee. I’m not quitting my day job just yet and have not gone for a practice jump outdoors, but I am hopeful.
I can see it now: The Frum Olympics. The events could be very entertaining. First off would be ‘the kiddush.’ It would include navigating oneself around an obstacle course in which you have to eat from each table, balance a plate of noodle kugel on one hand while feeding your kids at the same time in a room packed with people who seem to have never seen food before in their lives. It’s fun to watch now — even without a medal round.
What about the ‘Simchat Torah aliyah’ event? Of course, Kohanim have to be immediately disqualified. The object would require a Yisrael to maneuver himself into aliyah position in order to successfully get home and make kiddush before 2:00 p.m. Talk about a contact sport. Not as hard as landing a triple axel but definitely as satisfying.
Then there would be ‘the sukkah’ where competitors would have to build and decorate their sukkah as quickly as possible, complete with an ushpizin chart and at least two rebbe posters. Child-crafted decorations that are worn out and have been rained on at least twice, yet kept for sentimental value, will gain any competitor extra points. Plastic fruit are always a nice touch. Handmade paper chains are required.
Finally, there would be my personal favorite to watch: power dating. Always a crowd pleaser; the tickets would sell out in minutes. Imagine people waving the flags of their favorite athlete, or what it would take for the judges to award a perfect ten. The goal of the event is obvious: to cross the finish line. Medals would not be awarded for this event. As my aunt would say, it’s not a done deal until it is set in stone.
May the best yid win.
— MLW
