Orthodox … and out of the closet

“Orthodox parents of gay children tend to feel isolated,” says Mindy Dickler, the mother of 21-year-old Elie, who came out as gay three years ago.

Dickler, from Baltimore, is on the planning committee for the second annual Eshel Retreat For Orthodox Parents of LGBT Children. She says the conference, which will be held March 7–9 at the Capital Retreat Center in Waynesboro, Penn., gives parents a chance to feel that they are part of the Orthodox Jewish community again, and gives them hope.

Eshel founder Miryam Kabakov said the first conference, last April, came after several parents of LGBT youths approached her to talk about their plight. She said many expressed loneliness or an inability to discuss what it meant to have an LGBT child with their friends or rabbis.

“As soon as an [Orthodox] child reveals the secret, the parent takes on the secret and goes into hiding. And the parent has to go through his own process,” explains Kabakov.

This “hiding” is largely a result of the way that Orthodox Jews see the world and the words of the Torah.

“Orthodox, or specifically halachically [Jewish law] observant, Jews begin their discussions with what does G-d want from me, and how do I understand the texts and teachings of my faith to indicate what G-d expects and wants from me,” says Dr. Saundra Sterling Epstein, who has a gay daughter. “Our decisions are within the context of that discussion, so different from the non-Orthodox world in which this does not come to the table.”