torah

In arguing, silence may or may not be golden

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The King of Egypt discovers that the woman he brought into his chambers is married to Avraham.

“What have you done to me?” he demands of Avraham. “Why didn’t you tell me she is your wife? Why did you say she is your sister, leading me to take her as a wife? Now— take your wife and go!” (12:18-20)

Avraham’s response is silence. Either he is not given a chance to answer, or he recognized that responding, whether truthfully or in anger, would go nowhere. Avraham knew that having the last word was not only unnecessary, but if it was the wrong word, it might come back to bite him. After all, he came to Egypt looking for help; he should be grateful he is going free with merely a tongue-lashing.

Of course, Avraham does intend to pursue a further relationship with this king. Let us look, however, at two arguments Avraham has with people for whom he does care deeply.

First this: When Avraham’s shepherds argue with Lot’s shepherds, Avraham is the one who intervenes, saying, “Let there not be an argument between me and you, and between my shepherds and your shepherds, for we are brothers.” He gives Lot a very generous offer — you pick where you want to be; whatever you choose, I will go the other way. (13:8-9) They part in peace and Avraham has achieved his objective.

Next: After Sarah gives her maid to Avraham, demonstrating tremendous self-sacrifice and concern for her husband so he could have a son, Hagar denigrates her mistress who has been suffering with infertility for years.

“I am angry at you,” Sarah says to Avraham, “because I gave you my maid, she has become pregnant, and I have become denigrated.” (16:3-5)

Note how Avraham does not say, “Why are you yelling at me? I did what you told me! I’m going to be the father I always wanted to be. I’m going to have a child, something you could never provide for me!” He does say, “Here is your maid. Do to her what is best in your eyes.” (16:6) Radak says Avraham did that for the sake of  shalom bayis, so she can feel good about herself again one day.

There is a need for a much longer conversation about Hagar’s treatment. The commentaries are split over the choices made — Ramban is critical of both Sarah and Avraham on her treatment of Hagar, the Riva defends them both. Radak says we normally learn model behavior from the forefathers; here we learn how not to treat someone from the way Hagar is treated.

My question is, do Avraham and Sarah respect one another in this exchange? Even more than he cared for Lot, Avraham cared for his wife. And as his demonstration of compromise played out with Lot, it played out even more so with his wife, with whom he intended to live for the rest of his life.

It’s hard to judge Sarah. She is a woman who has suffered terribly — with infertility, her maid’s mistreating her, and her maid getting pregnant right away while Sarah remains barren. But Avraham certainly teaches us a few things about the “rules of engagement” in an argument.

Ben Zoma concludes a listing of a few important rhetorical questions by asking, “Who is honored? Who is honorable? One who gives honor to all of G-d’s creatures.” The first place to begin is with one’s loved ones. Treat them with respect. Preserve their dignity at all times. Don’t argue in front of other people.

A person needs to think in the following way. “I am going to express my needs. What I have done, my reasoning, why I did it. I will explain where I am coming from. I will explain my choices. I will emphasize my commitment and dedication to this relationship. I care about you. I care about us. Above all, I want there to be peace between us. I want to hear your side, I want to hear your perspective, and really want us to come to a resolution.”

As long as communication is done respectfully, resolution is attainable with dignity, honor, respect and love. After all, “Who is most honored?” Those who want the best for one another, and demonstrate it through treating one another with the utmost respect.

A version of this column was published in 2013.