Growing old, in age and satisfaction with life
Back in high school, I had a friend who purposely got questions wrong on tests to stay in the lower track. I watched him breeze through school with almost no stress. I wondered why I was sweating while he coasted along.
Years later, we spoke about it. In a moment of honesty, he told me he regrets doing that. He would never want his own children to purposely hold themselves back just to stay comfortable. Comfort feels good in the moment, but real satisfaction comes from pushing through challenges.
Charlie Harary once shared a story that speaks to this and connects to our parsha, Chayei Sarah.
In a talk to college students, he spoke about a husband and wife who got into a fight on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. She left to carpool. He went to work in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. She was still running errands, and he was at his desk when the second plane hit 15 floors below his office.
He realized he had minutes left to live. What did he do?
He called home and left a message. “Honey, I am the luckiest man alive for having been your husband for these years. Whatever I have ever done to make you unhappy, I regret it now. You are the greatest thing G-d ever gave me. Just turn on the TV and know that I will love you forever.”
Charlie then challenged the students. Do not wait for tragedy to say what matters. Make the difficult call now. Take the uncomfortable step. Some students called their parents, others called siblings, some friends.
• • •
When they returned, Charlie asked if anyone wanted to share. One young woman raised her hand. She said she called her father. Their relationship had been strained for years, filled with distance and frustration. She told him she loved him and that she was sorry. Everyone expected a heartwarming reconciliation. Instead, her father angrily hung up.
The room went silent. When Charlie asked how she felt, she said, “I feel amazing. For years, I believed the broken relationship was my fault. Today, I did something about it.”
She didn’t hurt her father by calling. She revealed a hurt that was already there and chose to stop pretending it didn’t exist. Maybe things are still broken, but she took a step and pushed things in the right direction. That felt incredible.
In Chayei Sara, we say goodbye to Avraham Avinu. The Torah describes his passing:
And Avraham expired and died in a good old age, Zakein V’Savea, old and satisfied (Bereishis 25:8).
The Ramban explains that Zakein refers to the length of days, while savea speaks to something deeper. Inner completion, a sense of having fulfilled one’s mission.
The Mesilas Yesharim, in his opening chapter on the purpose of life, teaches that we are here Laamod Benisayon, to stand strong in our ordeals. Avraham’s life was anything but easy.
He left his homeland. He rejected the idols of his family. He endured famine and exile. His wife was taken captive twice. He waited years to have children. He sent Yishmael away. He faced the Akeidah. He buried Sarah. His life was not comfortable. His life was meaningful. It was deeply satisfying.
Avraham’s savea was earned through a lifetime of choosing not to hide from difficulties. What would that look like for us?
This week, choose one place where you have been avoiding. Maybe it is a conversation with your spouse about the distance that has crept in. Maybe it’s about setting boundaries with your teenager rather than avoiding conflict. Maybe it is taking on the project at work that scares you because it reveals your weaknesses. Maybe it is reaching out to a sibling after months of silence.
Comfort fades. Growth lasts. Effort lasts. Meaning lasts. May we merit to look back one day and say that we did not only grow old, we grew satisfied.
Write: Columnist@TheJewishStar.com
