A parent’s love always leaves the door open
There is real pain for someone whose child goes on a path you did not intend for them. A parent pours so many resources into Jewish education, values, and guidance, and yet the child seems uninterested. There is shame, there is embarrassment, there is the aching thought that my child is an expression of me, so how can it be that they chose such a different path.
In parshas Toldot, Esav chooses a radically different direction from Yitzchok and Rivka.
We often describe the Avos by their defining Middos — Avraham is kindness, Yitzchok is strict justice, and Yaakov is balance. If anyone fits the image of demanding standards, it is Yitzchok. Yet Chazal reveal a side of Yitzchok that is both astonishing and desperately needed in our generation, especially for parents whose children have chosen lives different from their own.
The Gemara in Shabbos 89b describes what will happen before the final redemption. G-d will turn to Avraham and say, “These are your children who have sinned. What should be done?”
Avraham replies that they must be punished for the sake of G-d’s Name. Hashem asks Yaakov, who gives the same response. Finally, G-d turns to Yitzchok. And Yitzchok does something shocking. He does not condemn. He defends.
“Master of the world, are they only my children. Are they not Your children as well. When they accepted the Torah, did You not call them My firstborn son?”
Then Yitzchok makes a calculation that reveals the depth of a father’s love. A person lives 70 years. Remove the first 20 before full accountability. That leaves fifty. Half is spent asleep. Twenty-five remain. Half of those disappear into basic necessities like eating, leaving 12-1/2 years of possible sinning.
“If You can forgive those twelve and a half years, forgive them,” Yitzchok says. “If not, divide them with me. And if even that is too much, place the burden on me entirely. I was willing to give my life at the Akeidah. Put their sins on my account.”
This is why, when redemption comes, the Jewish people will turn to Yitzchok and say, “You are our father.”
Why Yitzchok. What gave him the standing to speak like that.
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The Derech Meir offers a breathtaking answer. The Torah says Yitzchok loved Esav because Tzayid B’Fiv, his trappings were in his mouth. I was taught growing up that this meant Esav fed his father game because he was a hunter and that generated love from Yitzchok.
But that understanding always bothered me. Could someone as holy as Yitzchok be charmed by a good steak? Or, as Rashi says, could Yitzchok be fooled by Esav asking whether we need to tithe salt and hay?
The Derech Meir says no. Tzayid B’Fiv does not mean that Esav trapped Yitzchok. It means that Yitzchok was preparing an argument that he would one day say before the Ribbono Shel Olam, a trap, an argument in Yitzchok’s mouth. He loved Esav fully not because he failed to see who Esav was, but precisely because he knew.
That heartbreak became the defense he would one day present for all of Klal Yisrael. If I continue to love my son when he strays, should You not continue to love Yours?
The Be’er Mayim Chaim illustrates this with a story. His son had abandoned Torah and Mitzvos. People whispered. The father’s heart broke daily. Yet he continued to love him, support him, and dress him in fine garments.
Every morning before davening he would say, “Master of the world, look how I treat my son who strayed. I am only flesh and blood. If I can love unconditionally, how much more should You love Your children even when they stray.” That is Tzayid B’Fiv.
So, what should a parent do when a child leaves the path? There is no single plan that fits every family, but one truth applies across the board:
Love your child. Do not close the door. Ever.
You never know when a child will decide to come home. It may not happen in your lifetime. Maybe when they have children of their own. Maybe generations later.
• • •
The Gemara in Kiddushin 36a discusses an argument regarding being G-d’s children. One opinion says we are called children only when we do His will. Rabbi Meir says we are children unconditionally. Banim Atem LaHashem Elokeichem. Bein Kach U’Bein Kach Atem Keruyim Banim. Whether we behave properly or not, we are still G-d’s children.
Where did Rabbi Meir come from? He was a descendant of Roman converts from the line of Esav! Did Esav ever return. No. So was Yitzchok’s love wasted. It did not bring Esav back. But it allowed Rabbi Meir to be born. From the son who strayed came the Tanna who taught that we are always G-d’s children.
A parent may feel disappointment, embarrassment, fear for younger siblings, and deep pain. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. Boundaries and values still matter. But a child must know without a doubt that your love is always unwavering.
If Yitzchok could stand before G-d and say, “Place their sins on me rather than give up on them,” then surely, we can stand before our own children and say, I may not agree with your choices, but nothing will ever make me stop loving you.
Bein Kach U’Bein Kach Harei Zeh Banim. Whether this way or that way, they are still our children.
Write: Columnist@TheJewishStar.com
