Q and A with Bruce Feiler

When Bruce Feiler, the bestselling author of “Walking the Bible,” was diagnosed with a life-threatening tumor he created a Council of Dads to help take care of his young daughters. Composed of six men who had been a part of Feiler’s life, the council was to guide his daughters since in Feiler’s words, “They might have not had their dad.”

Michael Orbach: What exactly is a Council of Dads?

Bruce Feiler: It’s a group of friends you invite into your children’s lives.  So much in our society conspires against friendship. With The Council of Dads I found a way to tap into the wisdom of my friends for my girls. My wife joked that it was like having six different wedding proposals. It was as if  we signed our own private ketubah. I then asked each one for the single piece of advice he would pass on to my girls. Their answers ranged from how to maintain your values — “Always pack your flip-flops” — to how to make your dreams come true — “Don’t see the wall.” Their wisdom became the heart of my book.

MO: How did you choose the dads in the council?

BF: When I first had the idea to create a Council of Dads, I didn’t want to tell my wife. We should focus on the positive. But I quickly lost my resolve, and as soon as we started discussing the idea, she started rejecting my nominees. “I love him,” she would say, “but I’d never ask him for advice!” Starting a Council of Dads proved to be a very efficient way to find out what my wife really thought of my friends! We needed a set of rules: no family; men only; intimacy over longevity. Eventually I decided on six men — from my oldest buddy to my newest pal.

MO: Who had the most interesting story of the Council?

BF: I love the story of Jeff, my travel dad. His philosophy was “Be a traveler, not a tourist.”  He said he would tell the girls to approach each journey like a child might approach a mud puddle. “You can lean over and look at yourself in the reflection, maybe stick a finger in it. Or you can dive in, thrash around, and find out what it feels like, what it tastes like.  I urge you to jump in, girls. And I look forward to seeing you, back here, at the end of this experience, covered in mud.”

MO: Do you think that most societies have a sort of informal network of Dads? Did you have one?

BF: I grew up Jewish in the South at a time when I feel like community was much more present. In some ways, the Council of Dads is an idea that’s trying to recreate the sense of community that we’ve all lost. That’s proven to be the power of the idea. We did it for our girls. But it has transformed us. The experience helped built a bridge between our friends and our kids. It reminded us of the power of friendship.

MO: How was writing this work different from your other books, like “Walking the Bible”?

BF: It usually takes me three years to write a book. “The Council of Dads” took me three months. The entire book fell off my fingers. Part of the reason is that I knew exactly who I was writing for: I wanted to gather all the wisdom I could for my daughters. In the Bible, G-d asks the Israelites every seven years to give their fields a year of rest. Every 49 years, the land get an extra year of rest, during which all families are to be reunited and all people surrounded with the ones they love. That fiftieth year is called the jubilee year. And though I’m still shy of 50, that tradition perfectly captures my experience. My Lost Year was my Jubilee Year. In lying fallow, I became more fertile. In taking pause, I planted the seeds for a healthier future.  In forming a Council of Dads, I reunited with the people I love and created a new community around my girls.

MO: Does the book have a happy-ending? Does the Council of Dads still exist?

BF: I am cancer-free today and walking again. But the real happy ending is that the Council will always exist. Recently we had all the men together for the first time. Each man spoke of how the experience had changed him. The last person to speak was the contrarian. “When I first heard the idea of the Council, I rejected it,” he said. “You would triumph over your illness.  Today I realized I was wrong. Whether we’re healthy or sick, men or women, we all need our own Council.”