Ask Aviva: He's a nice guy, but something's missing

All questions are real. Identifying details have been changed to preserve anonymity.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I’ve been dating a guy for three months. He is a really wonderful person and everybody wants us to get engaged already. I see that he is not like any other guys that I’ve dated: He has such great middos and, based on how he treats me, his parents and the rest of his family, he would make an amazing husband and father.

The issue that I have is that I am not attracted to him at all. I really wish that I were, but after unsuccessfully trying to find him even slightly appealing, I see that there is nothing there for me, physically.

I don’t want to break up with him because I am getting older and I am scared that I will miss my opportunity. I know what else is out there, and I have found that the good guys are few and far between. But I also know what it’s like to be attracted to someone, and I can tell you that I am most certainly not attracted to this one.

We do have fun together, but I see that I am not excited when he calls or texts. He is ready to propose whenever I give him the go-ahead and he has no clue that I feel this way. Is physical attraction really that important, or am I just being shallow? I’m sure I could have a nice life with him anyway.

-Tepid

Dear Tepid,

Let me put it to you this way: If a married friend told you that physicality is not an important component in her marriage, either mistrust her or pity her.

You are not being shallow in wanting your spouse to be what a spouse is supposed to be: attractive to you.

You have a very good contender in your ring. I wouldn’t want to see you throw him away so easily. Let’s see if we can try to muster up even a fraction of fervor from your end.

Here’s your game plan.

Step 1: Be direct.

You mentioned that he “has no clue” that you are unenthusiastic. That scares me. Have you led him on? Do you give your brightest smile even when you feel like rolling your eyes?

It is vital that you talk to him and clue him in. He has to know that you are merely shuffling behind his sprints. The only person who can tell him this is you. I know that it is easier to just sit back and let life happen, rather than addressing things directly, as they come up. This is a skill that you must work on in all areas of your life - at work, at home, with friends and even with hair salon staff.

Find words that you are comfortable with and educate him about the issue. Be polite, but honest. You don’t have to talk about his mediocre looks; in fact, it is probably best if you leave that part out. Be clear in conveying that there is something impeding on the relationship. Expect him to be thrown, so go easy, without avoiding the matter.

Step 2: Self-Assess

Let’s figure out if this issue is coming from you, or if you were influenced by an outside source. Has anyone made any derogatory comments to you about his looks? If so, try to think of how you viewed him on your first date. Also, try to separate your opinion from others’ by being confident in even your minor decisions.

Now let’s determine how unattractive he is to you. Does he have a feature or two that you can appreciate (Case A)? Maybe you find him neutral - nothing attractive, nothing unattractive (Case B). Or, perhaps he is repulsive to you (Case C).

Step 3: Be Proactive

Case A is pretty simple. All you have to do is see which features you like, and then focus solely on them. Try to blur out the rest of him and look at the attribute you like. But do yourself a favor and remember to blink while you are on your focused mission, otherwise he will wonder why you are trying to burrow a hole through his chin with your laser-vision.

Case B is all about context. Tell him to wear that shirt you like, and if you don’t like any of his shirts, buy him one that you do like. Make sure that you date in places that make you feel nice. (This depends on you - it could be an upscale restaurant, a hike, or a toy store.) This is a good time to exercise your directness: “Do you mind wearing your dark grey polo?” or “I heard about a new restaurant/trail/store that I would like to check out. Can we go Thursday?”

In Case C, if he is too yucky, blechy and ewwy (those are the technical terms), it will be very, very, very difficult to rally together enthusiasm. I recommend taking a break and seeing if you miss him. (Definition of a break: a set period of time in which neither party has any contact with the other. Definition of contact: texting, emailing, chatting, Facebook-poking and even the elusive conversation in the flesh.) If you don’t think about him over the break, and/or are not excited to see him when you reunite, chalk it up to a lost cause and move on to the next guy.

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. Email questions to avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.