The best marriage is ‘l’shem shamayim’

When it came time to find a wife for Yitzchak, Avraham, in this week’s parsha, Chayei Sarah, was very clear in his instructions to his servant. He makes him swear “that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I live. Instead, you must go to my native land, to my birthplace, and obtain a wife for my son Isaac.“ (24:3-4)

Was Avraham instructing his servant to specifically find Rivkah, about whose existence he learned of in the end of Chapter 22? Was he generally instructing his servant to find a wife for Yitzchak specifically from his family? Or was he being discriminatory against his neighbors, while remembering fondly or wistfully the Haranite, Aramite, or Casdean women?

Commentaries are split over whether Avraham indeed preferred a “a girl from the old country” (Malbim, Haktav V’hakbbalah), a relative (Radak, Chizkuni, R Chaim Paltiel, Rabbenu Bachaye) or specifically not a Canaanite girl (Radak, Chizkuni, Netziv, Kli Yakar). Rabbi Chaim Paltiel noted that the relatives were equally idolatrous, but he felt his DNA was similar enough to a relative that he’d be able to impart to her the fear of heaven.

Why would he not want a girl from Canaan? Because Canaan was cursed by Noach, while his own family, being from Shem (Semites) were blessed by Noach. The blessed should not mix with the cursed (Radak, R Chaim Paltiel, Rabbenu Bachaye). Yitzchak has no need to marry locally in order to inherit land (as did Eisav later on through marrying into the Seir family) because “G-d has given me all the land” (Bechor Shor). On the contrary, I don’t want people to claim that it is only through marriage that we have a claim on this land! (Chizkuni)

One of the bigger problems in marrying a woman from a cursed family is that she can drag down her husband. Noting what Eve did to Adam and what King Solomon’s Ammonite, Moabite, Zidonite and Hittite wives did to him, Rabbenu Bachaye writes of how the qualities people often look for in a spouse are fickle. Don’t marry for looks, for money, for a particular family’s prestige. Marry l’shem shamayim (for the sake of heaven) into a proper family, because sons follow the ways of the males of the woman’s family. (We find later that Yaakov and his Uncle Lavan do share many similar qualities, but that Yaakov channels those character traits for goodness, while Lavan does not.)

While it might not be as popular today, Rabbenu Bachaye further notes the Biblical recommendation to marry a relative. Avraham recommended it for his son (Yaakov was given similar instructions by his parents). Moshe’s parents were related. Most importantly, the families of the couple should be similar. If a man marries a woman who is from a lower stature, he may come to be haughty over her, and feel embarrassed by her. If he marries up, she will be embarrassed by him, and they’ll often be arguing and fighting (see Pesachim 49a). But if they come from equal status and stature, they have a much better chance of getting along and maintaining peace in their relationship.

There is another way to look at Avraham’s strategy. If Yitzchak marries a local girl, it will be easier for him to live near his in-laws, or certainly to see them often enough, and for them to have an influence on him. And while it may be true that Betuel and family are equally idolatrous, their contact with Rivkah and Yitzchak will be extremely limited (if any at all), and the influence of how to run a home and raise children will come from Avraham’s example, not from Lavan and Betuel, and not from Canaanites with whom he won’t intermingle (Kli Yakar).

There is one sticking point in all of this, and that is Aner, Eshkol and Mamre, covenantal friends of Avraham, who dwelled in the land. Kli Yakar also notes how Ramban fixated somewhat on how their daughters were excluded from Yitzchak’s potential shidduchim. Regarding Aner, Eshkol and Mamre, Avraham was of the understanding that he had been led to the land, among other reasons, to help its residence refine their Middos (Malbim). Avraham viewed his presence among them as proof that while they could curb their natural proclivities on account of their relationship with him. Midrash Sechel Tov notes that the daughters of Aner, Eshkol and Mamre were righteous. Regardless, Avraham did not want them for Yitzchak.

What of the Canaanites and the peoples of the Land? Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky noted that there were 11 nations included in the category of Canaanite (based on lineage in Parshat Noach, and an insight of Ibn Ezra). The Canaanites were evil of deed, with messed up beliefs, who would have a negative influence on Yitzchak’s body and soul. But its influence on Yitzchak is one conversation; that it would have an impact on Yitzchak’s children is a larger concern (Haktav v’Hakabbalah).

As for Betuel and Lavan, who arguably are equally idolatrous, Haktav V’Hakabbalah and Malbim both note that their idolatrous behaviors were only in the realm of the spirit/faith/belief, whose influence can be easily curtailed. “This is why the forefathers chose the daughters of Betuel and Lavan.”

Malbim proves part of his appracoh through noting that when Lavan and Yaakov had a dispute, Lavan said, “The G-d of Avraham and the G-d of Nachor will judge between us.” They had religious differences, but were able to at least have a normal, respectful civil dispute. Avraham did not want anyone from the local populace, even though he only mentioned Canaanite by name, because, in his view, any nation that is subservient to or subjugated by the Canaanites were as if they were Canaanites (24:3, and 12:6). There were Semites in the land — see Malkitzedek! — and they were not cursed. But because the Canaanites were in charge, Avraham felt that even the Semites in the Land, though not cursed by Noach, were as if they were Canaanites.

The success of a marriage hinges on a number of factors. What Avraham shows here is that discrimination against ideology and bad character is OK; he has no issues with a personal upbringing that differs from his own, as long as the person is open to embrace the Divine. Certainly the fact that the servant tests if she is, first and foremost, a thoughtful baalat chesed, demonstrates that she is worthy to become a mother of the Jewish people.

And as far as we can tell, the marriage worked out.