Ask Aviva: Tuition pains cause marriage strains

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Dear Aviva,
I am a father of 4 kids- all in yeshiva. The tuition costs are exorbitant, and it's burning a huge hole in my pocket. It is causing much financial strife in my family. I am working a full time job that pays well, so I don't qualify for scholarship, yet I can't seem to afford much else except the tuition! It's putting a strain on my marriage, and arguing about money in front of my kids doesn't help our shalom bayis either. What’s your take on it?
-Tight from Tuition


Dear Tight from Tuition,
Let’s assume that the system won’t change and we will all continue to be tight from tuition. Now the goal is to make sure that you loosen up in other areas of your life. But before we go into that, I just need to step up on my soapbox. Yes, tuition costs are insane. We are all feeling the crunch and it affects not only parents but grandparents who help out too. There may not be any easy answers, but I know that there are individuals who are exploring creative solutions. In the meantime, let’s try my reframe on for size: We live in America. We are Jewish. We have an entire community established where we can meet our religious needs without even being cognizant of any “ol malchus shamayim”. We dress Jewish without fear of being beaten up as we walk to shul. We do not salt our own meat. We do not immerse in the bay. Instead, we have many heated, chlorinated mikvahs. We can enjoy foods from other cultures (sushi, pizza, pu pu platters) that all bear a proud hechsher. If we’re too tired to cook for shabbos, we can have shabbos delivered. I think the scale of “Being an American Jew” are heavier on the “Luxuries ” than “Sacrifices”. I’m not saying that Judaism is supposed to be unbearable, but we’re supposed to dedicate our hearts, bodies, and means to the Jewish way of life. Hey, if it means practicing Yiddishkeit with ease and safety, combining heart, body and means into one huge monthly credit card statement ain’t so bad.
Ok, I’m stepping off of my little soapbox (it’s little because I got the economy size). Now on to your home life. We need to make your house lighter and happier. Yes, you have the burden of tuition on your shoulders. Leave it on your doorstep when you come through your door. Focus on the positives. Easier said than done, so I’ll give you a tip how: Try verbalizing 3 appreciations to each member of your family daily. That’s all. Before you know it, finding the good will become habit and your familial satisfaction will grow. And, by the way, stop arguing in front of the kids. And definitely stop arguing about this. What a great message, “We will send you to Yeshiva so that Mommy and Abba will have something to argue about.” I can’t think of a better way to infuse guilt into a kid. Not cool. There’s one way you can involve your kids, and that’s in making a budget. Also, realign your family so that you and your wife are like a team of special agents set out on a mission. The mission is to clip coupons, go green (all the yuppies are doing it) and squeeze every penny. I picture you and your wife in a bubble, trying to navigate the difficulties together.  And together you two should supplement your salary with creative ways to show your kids that they are worth the sacrifice.    

-Aviva


Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.