Ask Aviva: To spend more, try divorce

Dear Aviva,
My husband’s business has slowed to a tiny trickle and I can’t seem to find work. We got a loan modification, got approved for SNAP, HEAP, Child Plus, and Medicaid. The yeshivas have been amazing—one tuition committee was so understanding that they are now paying us to send our preschooler there. The problem is my husband’s wanton spending. He insists on unloading the few dollars we have on frivolous things like groceries and the water bill. Meanwhile, he started telling me that when my lease is up, he wants to get a domestic car— an old one! His priorities are so messed up. I don’t know how to explain that this season’s styles are much more important long term. We need to impart good values on the kids and I would never want them to think that we are not as well off as our neighbor, who has been out of work for 2 years. Do I need a divorce?

-Stylin’ in Squalor

Dear Stylin’ in Squalor,
You poor thing. My eyes are welling up just reading your plight. Well, you definitely have it together. In Parshas Mikeitz, when there was an inter-country famine, Yaakov Avinu asked his well-fed sons, “Lamah Tisra’oo? Why do you make yourselves seen?” According to Rashi, Yaakov is admonishing his sons not to be seen with the bread they have because others do not have this bread. We obviously learn from here that when you don’t have bread, you should (somehow) be seen with bread. So you are really living in accordance with Torah values, and your husband is way off base. Maybe he’s got issues stemming from his childhood. Did his parents have a perverted value system? Did his father try to control his mother with money too?
Getting divorced is a long, costly and arduous process, but it may have its pay-offs. Once your husband gives the get, he will most likely receive a “Get-out-of-Gehinnom-free” card and will be able to basically do whatever he wants, as long as he continues to dress like a yorei-shamayim. He will be thrust into this club soon after his card is mailed out. You may notice that he will regress to an adolescent’s level of impulse-control, but that is perfectly normal.
Since I am a female, I’m not exactly sure of the department that issues these cards, but I do know that there is a large percentage of female divorcees who somehow managed to acquire these cards as well. If you end up being issued one of these cards, your life will drastically improve. Being a single mom is really, really rough. You will not have as much time to meet your spiritual goals like shopping (and I’m taking into account shopping online.)
Basically, you’re doing all the right things. I recommend checking back with the yeshivas and letting them know that you’re still struggling. They could just stop paying their dedicated, hard-working staff to accommodate you. Rebbes and their families don’t mind skipping meals so that you can look your best.
If you can, you should try to seek out counseling. But whatever you do, don’t write to those newspaper advice columnists.

-Aviva


Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com