Ask Aviva: Pawn in a Divorce

Ask Aviva

Aviva

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Dear Aviva,

I am stuck in the middle of my divorced parents. No, I’m not 16 years old—more like double that. I have my own life and my own kids, but I am somehow caught in between my parents.

They got divorced soon after I had my second baby. I thought that we could all be adults about everything, since we are adults. Instead, I feel like a child being pulled from both directions.

My mother is happily remarried and my father is single and bitter as anything. I have a relationship with both of them, but I have to hide my relationship with my mother from my father. He badmouths her all the time (even in front of my kids!). He makes me feel so guilty for getting together with her. I don’t tell him when I get together with her, but sometimes I have to, like if he wants to come over when she is visiting me. Lately, I am anxious when I am with her because I am scared that he will call me and hear her voice in the background.

Sometimes he even has me relay messages from him to my mother’s relatives. They really don’t want to hear from him and I hate being stuck in this position. Doesn’t he get it?

Why am I more adult than my father? What am I supposed to do?

-Pawn

Dear Pawn,

Ah, there’s nothing like unhealthy parents seeping into your emotional well being…

Actually, I put that wrong. Your mother doesn’t sound unhealthy. Your father is quite a case, though.

I don’t think it would help if you said something to your father like, “Mom is my parent, just as you are my parent. I get together with her, I get together with you. Respect her as she respects you.”

Logic doesn’t really do it for illogical people, especially the emotionally childish kind. But it can’t hurt to try to calmly be logical with him. If that doesn’t work, try something that is more effective.

Like what, you ask? I say obedience school is the way to go. You be your dad’s trainer.

You don’t have to start your own training academy, just work with him as things come up. You can choose to either go in with guns blazing or build on things.

If you want to stop things immediately, you will need to harden yourself. Every, I repeat, every time that your father makes you his pawn or even makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, you have to put your foot down. “I’m not giving that message for you. You can call mom’s cousin yourself.” Or, “Don’t call mom that name in front of me.”

If that doesn’t stop things, you have to raise the flame. “I told you not to call mom that name in front of me. If you do that again, then I will have to end this conversation.” And if he violates your rule, you be sure to end that conversation by leaving or hanging up the phone.

You must be very careful with this method because if you are not consistent, you will actually make it harder for him to change. If you are a bit of a softy, don’t use this method because it doesn’t pay to take the chance of inconsistency here.

Instead, you should pick one area where he is inappropriate and squelch it. Again, you must be consistent, but it will be easier because you are focusing on only one part of the problem. Another benefit of this method is that your father will not feel like he is under attack all the time, as he may feel with the first method.

So here it is: Let’s say the first thing you are trying to stop is inappropriate comments in front of your kids. He says something and you say, “Please don’t talk like that in front of my kids.” You say that every time. If he continues the behavior, give him one warning that you have to leave if he says that again in front of the kids. Then leave if necessary. During this training period, it would be wise not to get together in your house. This will avoid having to kick him out of your house. It’s a lot easier to just get up and leave than to actually send your father out of your home.

Once your father has mastered keeping his big mouth shut around his grandkids, it’s time to step up the training. You will have him generalize his new skill to keeping his mouth shut around you. You can either just throw yourself into the training, or you can tell him that just like it’s harmful for your kids to hear the negativity, it is harmful for you to hear the negativity. Then continue consistently helping him master the skill and generalize it further.

It would be helpful to practice your lines on your husband or in front of the mirror. Gain confidence because if you are unsteady, your father will pick up on that. We want him to take the training seriously.

Hold a tight leash, open your mouth when you need to, and enjoy your parents again.

-Aviva