Allowing time to heal our wounds

Hate and rage are emotions that separate good people from bad people.”

Our parsha, Toldot, shares three stories. The first is the background to the birth of Eisav and Yaakov and the sale of the bechora (birthright); the second is in the chapter dedicated to the life of Yitzchak, and the final concerns the blessings seemingly intended for Eisav which Yaakov received based on his mother’s intervention and instruction.

If I could summarize each of these stories and their aftermath, based on the text we have, it would sound like this:

The first story is divided into two parts. The tension of pregnancy is resolved with an assurance that two nations will emerge. Tension between the twins is resolved through a financial arrangement agreed to by both sides.

The second story also has two components. First, tension is resolved with an understanding of who the parties are — Yitzchak and Rivkah being husband and wife. And tension is resolved when,  some time after having realized that Yitzchak’s being in his city was a blessing and that his kicking Yitzchak out had not been good for business, Avimelekh comes with his general and a group of ambassadors and tells Yitzchak that because they now recognize that G-d is with him, they want him to be on their side. (In an encounter with the Gerarites, Avraham had explained to them that he was not on the up and up about his relationship with Sarah, claiming to be her brother and not mentioning that he was also her wife) was because they were not G-d-fearing. At this point, they appear to have learned their lesson and have come around, and the tension ends with a new treaty.

The third story has tension between brothers not coming to a resolution, because the only thing that will heal the raw hurt is time. But who is to blame? Who cheated whom? Where is the address for Eisav’s grievance — against Yaakov, against their mother, against their father? Is Eisav’s grievance even warranted? Shouldn’t he have told his father, “I know what you want me to do, and why, but the fact is that while I am the older brother, I sold all merits of the birthright to my brother some time ago — so if this is about a blessing to a first born, you have the wrong guy.”

Eisav did not do that. That conversation might have given us a clearer picture into Yitzchak’s intentions — meaning if he had only called to “Eisav” and not to “his son who is ‘gadol’,” we would know for sure. But once we see he’s dealing with a descriptive, then the question is who really owns that descriptive?

So is Eisav’s rage warranted in the end? He wants to kill his brother. Is that a proper response? Wouldn’t a better response have been, “let’s come to the table and reach an equitable resolution of this misunderstanding.”

Perhaps the value of the blessing in question is something I don’t completely understand (when Eisav and Yaakov meet up in chapter 32, they both seem to be doing fine financially), but surely this kind of discussion could be had at a negotiating table. Maybe Eisav could have even said, “Thank you for keeping me honest!”

But there is a hatred that goes beyond reason. And this is why Eisav is described in our tradition as wicked. When you don’t like what happened, your immediate response is rage and murder? To Eisav’s credit, he cared about his father too much so he didn’t immediately act on his impulse.

It’s difficult to judge Yitzcak, Eisav and Yaakov. Eisav felt cheated, and from his perspective this was justified. Yaakov felt his perspective was justified. And while Yitzchak may have felt, on the one hand, that he was deceived (27:35), on the other hand, he does not undo the blessing and he even affirms it (end of 27:33). 

When we consider Eisav’s rage and his plan to murder Yaakov, we need to consider this: Did Yaakov ruin Eisav’s life? On the contrary, he took a burden of the birthright, which Eisav did not value and did not want, off Eisav’s hands in an agreed upon transaction. And, in all honesty, owing to our knowing what Rivkah knows, he also followed through with what was rightly coming to him due to their prior agreements.

Eisav, you can’t have it both ways. You made an agreement, didn’t hold yourself to it, then you get angry when you don’t get what you might think is yours but really isn’t!

The verse says that Eisav “SOLD his birthright to Yaakov” and that “Yaakov GAVE to Eisav the soup and bread and something to drink.” That was not the price of the birthright, it was a meal to celebrate the transaction. Eisav should be grateful, and acknowledge that there are no takebacks. Rivkah, and in turn, Yaakov, kept him honest in taking the blessing that was Yaakov’s to receive. Eisav should say thank you!

Hate and rage are not justifications for killing innocents, it is just an emotion that separates good people from bad people. Good people can feel rage and hate, but what do they do with it? Bad people turn to violence as their outlet.

The two most difficult tensions in the parsha were eventually resolved with Avimelekh saying, “We see G-d is with you,” and through Yaakov and Eisav having a separation of time — more than 36 years — during which feelings relaxed. (Though it should be noted that when Yaakov and Eisav reunite in Vayishlach, Yitzchak is still alive.)

If Eisav had been G-d-fearing, he would have been honest about the blessing. In all the time since the sale — which had taken place almost 50 years prior to the blessing! — he never accepted his new reality, instead allowing his emotion, and ultimately his rage, rule his day.

He couldn’t express gratitude, because he couldn’t be honest with himself about what the people around him were doing — freeing him from responsibility and giving him a chance at the life he needed to live — life of being a free spirit not bound to time and place.

When we are G-d-fearing, we don’t let our emotion overtake how we respond to others. When we realize that our raw feelings are overtaking us, we need to give time a chance to heal us, to set things aright, to help us see the bigger picture.

Time doesn’t heal everything, but it helps us move on. And hopefully, with time, we can put our anger aside and find that those we carry grudges against also want to move on, not having to live or finish a life with regret over a relationship that at some point soured.