Who’s in the kitchen From Broadway to Delancey with a side of sour cream

About 25 years ago, I had tickets to Jackie Mason on Broadway. We met our friends at the theater, since they still lived in Forest Hills, and we had already moved to Woodmere. By the time we parked and made it into the theater, we slipped in near our friends just as the curtain was rising. Almost in unison, my friend and I whispered, “where do you want to eat after the show?”

Needless to say, we were in stitches when Mason’s first act was comparing Jews to Gentiles. “How can you tell who are the Jews and who are Gentiles in the audience tonight? The Gentiles will be asking, ‘Want to get a drink after the show?’ The Jews will be asking, ‘Did you eat yet? Where should we eat?’ Gentiles never finish drinking, Jews never finish eating.” Though he was hysterical and a bit exaggerated, it was, unfortunately, for the most part, true.

At lunch: “Where should we have dinner?”

Dinner: “Where should we have coffee?”

“But we had coffee.”

“But we didn’t have cake yet.”

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“We walked already, but we didn’t have cake yet.”

Jews walk into a restaurant and want their table immediately. They also want it away from the kitchen, near a window, not near the bar or entrance and definitely not in the back. Anyone else walks in, waits quietly, and then sits wherever they’re seated. We expect huge portions; Jews and nouvelle cuisine just don’t go together. Can you imagine your parents or grandparents being a served a plate with 4 ounces of fish, 3 French green beans (tied of course with bows made out chives) and 2 roasted cherry tomatoes? Not only do we want sizeable portions, we want it custom ordered. Mason spoke of Gentiles ordering eggs. ”I’ll have the eggs, and coffee, please.” Ever hear a Jew order breakfast? Every Jew orders breakfast like this:

“Listen, I want it once over light on this egg, and on the other egg, I want under the quarter. This’ll be under a half and this’ll be under a minute. I’d like a slight two minute egg on this side. ... I want the bread toasted... not very toasted... slightly toasted... not exactly toasted... I want the potatoes on a third plate. I want the coffee not to the top... closer to two thirds... not less than half.”

True to our word, after the show we continued our conversation as to where we should eat. We decided on Ratner’s. If Bernstein’s was the place to be seen and feast for meat, Ratner’s was its dairy equivalent. No frozen yogurt, whole wheat bread, low carb pasta, sushi, or egg white omelets. Rolls were huge and laden with onions, everything was fried, or made with butter or cheese and the portions could serve an entire family.

When it was my turn to order, I asked for the sable, but didn’t want an entire platter of it. I asked if I could have a side, and maybe a few slices of tomatoes. I didn’t want a whole salad. I also ordered a cup of coffee. I wanted regular coffee filled halfway up and then additional boiling water almost up to the top so that it’s not “mud strength,” skim milk on the side, and told the waiter to make sure it’s skim milk because I would know if it’s not. Then as the waiter was walking away I asked if we could switch tables as the air vent was blowing on me. All at once we broke into uncontrollable laughter. I was Jackie Mason’s walking, talking paradigm of life imitating art. Tessie and Michael, remember that night?

Just like Grossinger’s and Bernstein’s, Ratner’s was an absolute classic that made it’s way to that great restaurant in the sky. Sadly, we are reduced to reflecting on ghosts of memories of over flowing plates filled with comfort foods, their famous cheesecake and Jewish waiters doubling as comedians or Norman Bate’s character from Psycho. For those of you who yearn for Ratner’s famous cheese blintzes, here is the authentic recipe straight from their world famous meatless cookbook. The blintzes can be served plain, with confectioner’s sugar, strawberries or, for a taste of the ole’ days, top it off with a generous portion of full fat sour cream, or a dollop of sour cream on the side, or a separate plate of sour cream....

BLINTZ BATTER

n 4 eggs

n 2 cups water

n 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour

n ½ teaspoon salt

n Filling (see below)

n 1/3 cup melted butter

1. In a bowl combine eggs and water and blend thoroughly. Beat in flour and salt. Mixture will be runny.

2. Pour 2 tablespoons of the batter into a hot, greased 7-inch omelet or crepe pan. Rotate skillet so bottom of pan is covered evenly.

3. Cook until golden. Remove from pan and repeat process using all the blintz batter. Pile one on top of the other, with a piece of waxed paper in between each one.

CHEESE FILLING

n 2 8 ounce packages farmer cheese

n 2 egg yolks

n ¼ cup sugar

n 1 teaspoon vanilla

In a bowl, combine all ingredients and mix thoroughly. . Place 2 heaping tablespoons of cheese filling on one-half of the unbrowned side of the pancake. Fold pancake over once to cover filling. Fold in sides of pancake. Continue rolling.

Heat butter in a skillet until hot. Place blintzes, seam side down, in skillet and sauté until golden on all sides.

Judy Joszef can be reached at judy.soiree@gmail.com