Parshat Toldot: In-laws

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By Rabbi Avi Billet

Issue of Nov. 28, 2008 / 1 Kislev 5769

Sometimes a new point we’ve perhaps never considered becomes apparent and leaves us wondering: save for Rachel and Leah — who were sisters — the Imahot (Four Mothers) never met one another.

Sara died before Rivka was introduced to her son. Rivka died before Yaakov returned home with his family. Surely Rachel never met her daughters-in-law, and we can only speculate as to whether Leah met her sons’ wives. There are midrashim that indicate she died relatively young, but the age of her death is not mentioned in the Torah. There is also no indication that she went down to Egypt with the family in Parshat Vayigash.

Who cares?

In 27:46, Rivka says to Yitzchak that she wants Yaakov to find a wife, not from here. It seems her primary reason is to avoid Eisav’s wrath, but she hangs her concerns on the not preferred maidens of Canaan. Yitzchak instructs Yaakov to do what he did, namely find a wife from within the family — to marry his cousin. (28:1-2)

Examine Rivka’s words: “My life is weary from the daughters of Chet. If Yaakov were to marry a daughter of Chet such as these, why would I need to continue living?”

Is she talking about all the girls of the land who she finds unappealing? Or is she talking about specific girls, namely Eisav’s wives? Radak suggests this, based on 26:34-35. Eisav married at 40, following in his father’s footsteps of marriage age, but he did not seek guidance from his parents as to how to choose a mate.

Rivka never liked her daughters in law: not when Eisav married them, and not now, perhaps 23 years later, when she sees Yaakov living at home, still unmarried. She knows his biological clock is ticking and that he too will be looking to get married soon.

One of Rashi’s suggestions as to the cause of Yitzchak’s blindness is the smoke of the idolatry of Eisav’s wives. (27:1. Don’t worry. He also mentions the angel’s tears at “Akeidat Yitzchak.”) It was their influence, she feels, that turned her son Eisav further and further astray.

This is not to suggest that the Imahot might not have gotten along with each other had they met. Maybe they would have been the perfect models of a daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship. Certainly none of the Imahot practiced idolatry in the form that Eisav’s wives might have.

What? How could there even be a suggestion of idolatrous practice in any of these holiest of Jews? While Rashi states in 31:19 that Rachel stole her father’s “terafim” to distance him from idolatry, Chizkuni and Radak suggest Rachel believed the “terafim” she stole had some magical powers that could either tell Lavan in which direction they had fled or could help him cast a spell against them. This does not mean she worshipped these images, but that she believed they had powers.

In 35:2, Yaakov tells his sons to “remove the strange gods that are in your midst.” Again, this does not suggest they were worshipping these images, but they certainly had them in their possession. Most commentaries say they got them from plundering Shechem. But is it not possible they picked them up under the approval of Grandpa Lavan back in good ol’ Padan Aram? Or that they picked them up in Shechem, knowing what they were because they had seen them in Lavan’s house?

Since I raised the question about why the M-I-Ls and D-I-Ls never met, I’ll try to answer it, even though this entire discussion is pure speculation. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can get along very nicely. They can also have a rocky relationship. Certainly each and every woman needs to “grow into herself” and develop her own style. Sometimes, when “M-I-L” has input, she can stifle “D-I-L” from creating a style, or perhaps “D-I-L” can cause “M-I-L” to become jealous of her youthful exuberance and zesty personality. These are generalizations and extremes, of course, and are not meant to be applied to the Imahot specifically.

When Rivka “replaced” Sara in Yitchak’s eyes (24:67), it helped that she did not have to “be” Sara. She could be her own person and need not try to live up to her Mother-In-Law’s greatness. The same would apply to Rachel and Leah, living in the shadow of Rivka.

Fathers, however (as the gemara teaches us in Sanhedrin 105b) do not become jealous of their son’s success.

Perhaps the separation of these women from mixing inter-generationally allowed each one to develop her own greatness.

May all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law merit to live long and happy lives in each other’s company. May each one continue to develop her style and never feel stifled or jealous, until 120 years. Amen.

Avi Billet welcomes your thoughts and comments at avbillet@gmail.com.