Jackie Mason was right about Jewish vacations

When I think of vacations, I’m reminded of Jackie Mason’s routine about Jewish people and our vacations at exclusive beaches, on exotic islands that we never heard of before (and can’t even pronounce). Mason’s description goes something like this (and remember to picture his shuffle as he walks, his hand movements and his slight Yiddish accent):

“Wow, did we have a vacation! We were on the most exclusive beach; it was so exclusive, no one was there, and it was so totally relaxing.” Of course it’s relaxing, the island is tiny and there’s nothing to do. If you want to relax, you can stay home, lock your door and relax. But you couldn’t brag to your friends about it. And let’s not forget the water — you’d think people never saw water in their lives — “so clear and so blue, never saw such clear blue water, it was amazing, so blue, like a blue you never saw in your lives.” Then Jackie would deadpan, “Go to a toilet, you can see blue water.”

Next on his list: Safaris to Africa.

“Think about it,” he says, “you’re dealing with dangerous lions and tigers, that at any minute could kill you.” If there were lions and tigers outside the front of your house, would you say, “Good, let’s go out there, let’s take a chance and see how long we’d last.” No, of course not! But a safari, now that’s a different thing.

The Jews sit in the front of truck, and the gentiles sit in the back with long guns (they tell you how dangerous the area is and, in the same breath, add, “but don’t worry about it” — no worries, they have the guns to protect everyone). The Jews are panicking, wondering if they’ll live to tell the story — after all that’s what it’s all about, right? You have to brag about your vacation. So there you are in an uncomfortable truck, which seems to hit every bump in the unpaved back roads, while praying you won’t be eaten alive by tigers and lions.

On your return home, you strut around talking about your wonderful exotic-vacation experience. Nothing else like it (thankfully!).

And let’s not forget my favorite Jackie Mason vacation act: Skiing.