Ask Aviva: Too frum for the family

Dear Aviva,

My husband and I are Modern Orthodox and we raised our children in the same vein. Our son came back from his year in Israel this past summer and he is a different person. Aside from the exterior (black hat, white shirt, tzitzis hanging out and payos), his personality has changed as well. He used to be a bit of a slacker and now he is very serious. He doesn’t smile as much anymore and he is always quoting his rabbis. He’s also bossing me around in the kitchen and as much as I’m trying to let it slide, it’s really getting under my skin. Many of my friends who have been through the same thing have told me not to worry, he’ll be back to himself by Chanukah. Well, Chanukah has come and gone and we’re still living with the “Rebbe.”

-Perfectly Kosher

Dear Perfectly,

Welcome aboard this generation’s societal shift! It’s exciting, isn’t it? You raise one kid, send him on a plane-o-matic, and, presto! His right-wing twin boomerangs back home to you! Amazing, isn’t it?

Isn’t it? Okay, you are not amused, I gotcha. You are worried, concerned and starting to get annoyed. I’m a little worried too. Not because his look changed, but more because you are reporting a personality change. But I’m just a little worried. It’s likely that he is still finding his way in his new uniform, and hasn’t yet put his individual touches on his new persona. To continue with the boomerang metaphor, he started at Point A, flung himself to Point T and is now going to drift to some point in between, say Point K. What’s your job during this time? To sit back, and wait. You should also be smiling and supporting him, because now is a very precarious time. If he feels like you don’t get him, he will alienate you from his life, or at least emotionally cut you off before you could say “Amen.”

And you should also be observing him. Do you see glimmers of his personality breaking through? And if so, are those glimmers widening into rays? That is good. It should be a slow and steady shift back to his humor, his hobbies and his overall mood.