Ask Aviva: Thoughts on the Kletzky murder

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To my dear Readers,

We, as a nation, are still raw from the tragic and shocking murder of Leiby Kletzky. Many people have asked me questions related to the aftermath. I feel that it is an important issue to address, and apologize for taking a break from my usual light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek tone while I share some of these questions and my answers.

“It’s all that I think about—is that normal?”

Well, when it comes to grieving, there is a very wide range of normal. One may react in a more disengaged fashion, while another may seem morbidly obsessed with it. As long as it is not hindering you from getting things done that need to be done. For example, if you are not able to get out of bed or be involved with other things for short periods, this may be a sign that you need an extra boost of support. I often see this in cases where a person has already experienced their own trauma previously. A seemingly unrelated traumatic event that happens to someone else can stir-up and trigger the person’s memories and feelings of what happened to him/her. If you feel that this relates to you, it may be time to address it (or re-address it) in therapy.

And from the other end of the spectrum, some may be over-functioning in their own life and not be able to feel the sadness or pain over this event. While denial and numbness could be a natural part of the grieving process, it is typically at the beginning and phases into other feelings. If you feel like you are kind of stuck in this stage, you may want to ask yourself why you keep eluding the pain and sadness. You might find that there is a lot of fear behind that impassivity. That is understandable—Levi Aron has just expanded our world to include some bone-chilling new realities.

Other reactions people may have are heavy sadness, anger, blame, bargaining and acceptance. A note about “blame”: while it is one acceptable way to process what happened, we must make sure that we do not blame the victims. Let’s direct the blame to the man who was solely responsible for what occurred.

There is not a typical response to loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives. So it is important to develop a tolerance and acceptance when discussing the Leiby story with someone who does not seem on your wavelength. He/she may not be a basket-case or cold-hearted or too logical. We all have our ways of processing and coping.

“What do I tell my kids?” “Her friends told her too many details.”

This is a tough one and there is no universal answer. Every child needs to be addressed according to what he/she can handle. Keep this in mind: Filter and Feed. Filter out any information that would cause your child more harm than good and feed his or her curiosity, knowledge and empowerment. If you have a kid who will have nightmares for a month, keep it very broad. “I want to tell you about how to stay safe and not get lost.” Another child may benefit from hearing about a specific example. All a young child needs to know is that Leiby was kidnapped. The more sophisticated child most likely can tolerate hearing that Leiby is in shamayim. I highly recommend that we keep the unsettling details out of their knowledge bank until they are older.

For those parents whose children found out too much from hearsay, it is important for you to confirm that it is true. I think that the message of open, honest communication is more important than trying to undo the exposure.

Whatever it is that you are telling your children, make sure that you are also giving over a message of safety and security. Physically hold the child close, or sit right next to the child while talking about this. Also, reiterate the fact that most people are good, but we have to be careful because we don’t know which ones are safe and which ones are dangerous.

A final message: Any perpetrator of any crime, wearing any garb must be reported to the police.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.