Ask Aviva: Mother-in-law: It’s your call

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Dear Aviva,
I have one married son who lives out of town. My relationship with my daughter-in-law was rocky from the beginning. But over the years we have been able to have a solid relationship and be cordial with each other. Recently, I feel that she isn’t calling me enough. She never calls me to tell me what is going on with her and my son, or to even put my granddaughters on the phone to wish me a good Shabbos. I don’t feel like I should call her- I have tried to put in the effort but she never reciprocates so I have just given up. How do I get past this so that I can continue to have a relationship with my out of town children and grandchildren?

-Perplexed Mother-In-Law

Dear Perplexed Mother-In-Law,
Oy! This sort of issue is so rough because it’s laden with emotions. I think the best way to handle this is to take emotions out of the picture for now. Let’s just look ahead and see what you can do to change your situation. As long as you’re not the meddling type who arrives unannounced for two weeks or offers your daughter-in-law $20 for every post-partum pound she loses (true story!) I think Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” could be a good framework for you.
 n 1: Be Proactive. This means to make your own reality. The opposite of this is to react. Sorry to say, but you’ve been reacting thus far. “If she doesn’t call me, I’m certainly not going to call her.” Instead, take her out of the picture. If you want to see how your son is doing, call your son. If you, rightfully so, want to speak to your granddaughters before Shabbos, then call before Shabbos and ask to speak to them.
n 2: Begin with the end in mind. Set goals. But make sure they are realistic. An unrealistic goal would be to get her to call me, or to talk on the phone for an hour with my daughter-in-law. It should be small goals that you can attain. Something like, “I’m going to wish my granddaughters a good Shabbos this week.”
n 3: Put First Things First. To meet this goal, don’t wait till the 18 minutes to call. This is important to you, so make sure you call before the other major Shabbos preparations.
n 4: Think Win-Win. This is not a competition or a war between you and your daughter-in-law. You are both on the same team. You want your granddaughters to have good relationships with their mother and with you. So make sure to give off messages of support. Do not transmit messages like, “Does it bother you that your mommy is so controlling?”
n 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood. If your daughter-in-law puts up obstacles, be open to what she is saying. If she tells you that you shouldn’t call as soon as the kids come home from school, try to hear her rationale behind the request.
n 6: Synergize. Do your best to meet her request. If there is no way for you to do so, then explain, with the goal in mind, how you are not able to accommodate the request and ask her if she can think of an alternative or you can even offer one.
n 7: Sharpen the Saw. Allow yourself to rejuvenate, or in the broader sense, allow yourself to go on vacation. In your case, I think it means take a break from this issue. If you see it is eating you up, distract yourself with a mental vacation.
Stick with this, even when it seems to not make a difference. But balance your persistence and grace—we don’t want them to suffocate from your drive.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.