From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann

Issue of July 17, 2009 / 25 Tammux 5769

I took a week off from writing last week, as my wife and I were busy marrying off a daughter. O.K., so she isn't our daughter, she is our niece. But it sure felt like we were marrying off a daughter. And no, we didn't have to pay for the wedding but we gladly would have. She moved into our home and hearts a year ago after graduating from Stern College. We have always been close to her. She was a flower girl at our wedding fifteen years ago and, this time, at her wedding, our two youngest daughters served as flower girls for her entourage.

In the year or so that she lived with us, she served as a role model for our four daughters and we already miss her.  Her groom, an exceptional young man, is both respectful and insightful. Together, we know they will serve as role models to other couples. I am not abashed to say that they inspire me to be a better partner to my wife. They personify the trait of "giving."

In my role as a rabbi years ago and now as a lawyer who, among other areas of law, practices matrimonial law, I have had occasion to witness many couples. I have observed different qualities of relationships. When both spouses are "takers" the relationship is doomed to fail. When one spouse is a giver and the other a taker, similar gloom is on the horizon. The giver will ultimately resent always giving and the taker will never be happy. The insatiable need of the taker to have their spouse fill the void created in their childhood can never be fulfilled.

When both give to each other, one would think that would be a model for success. But, truth be told, the "mutual perpetual givers" are also headed for tough times for a variety of reasons. After a while one partner is bound to feel that they have given more than the other. So while giving to the other to make the other happy has its virtues, it is still not the ultimate.