Politico to Go: Dead Potomac River Scrolls found

At a Washington news conference, held at the Offices of the George Soros-funded Center for American Progress, archeologists working for the Smithsonian have announced an incredible find, a revised copy of the U.S Constitution dated 1790. This document was passed by the original 13 States with the intention of supplanting the version ratified in 1788. The chief archeologist on the project called the document “Dead Potomac River Scrolls,” because they were found in a previously unknown cave on the bank of the Potomac.
According to the scientists, a 13-year-old boy named Zach Emanuel was walking his dog near the river, threw a stick and heard some glass shatter. He followed the noise into the cave and found the document amongst some broken beer bottles left over from some ancient beer summit. Scientists determined the cave was once occupied by some ancient cult of pundits. Also found in the cave were some leftover yarmulkes from Chuck Schumer’s Bar Mitzvah.
The cult known in history books as the Progressenes, revised the constitution. It begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble,
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and establish this brand new Constitution for the United States of America recognizing that the document approved in 1788 forgot to talk about social justice.
The overall document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788; adding just a few things:
Under the census provision it adds, “If a large group of foreign nationals come into the country illegally, they are to be counted as citizens in the census so as not to appear racist.”
The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The President is to enforce all laws equally except in the case of radical organizations trying to intimidate voters from voting the wrong way. Housing organizations that commit voter fraud by registering illegible voters multiple times, cartoon characters, or the deceased are not to be prosecuted, as long as they are named after the seed of an oak tree.”
It is quite amazing the way these Progressenes were able to see into the future.
Beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitution’s Wrongs,” these included:

• There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion
• The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma you are too old)
• We were only kidding about the right to bear arms
• There is a right of unions to be bailed out even if the state has to take over an entire industry.
• The right of unions supersedes that of the majority of the population.
• The right to high speed communication
• The government has the right to control free speech on the internet and talk radio
• There is a right to come into the country illegally as long as you promise to support the Progressenes
• The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if petroleum is involved
• There is no right to enjoy the fruits of your hard work, the government has the right to redistribute income

Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery, but they’re only trying to interject partisanship into taking a bipartisan effort.
For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has already been endorsed by the administration. This is the administration that told us Joe Sestak wasn’t offered a job, there were no earmarks in the stimulus bill, Obamacare wouldn’t force you to change health plans, and there would be absolutely no new taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year.
Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real is the fact that the provisions of this revised constitution were already put into practice during the first two years of the Obama presidency.
If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a watchdog would scream bloody murder, and they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real! The document also provides an answer to those who claim that Barack Obama is some sort of socialist trying to overturn the U.S. Constitution. Based on the newly-found document he is a strict “constitutionalist”.
According to the archeologists there are more documents in the cave, specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution, a new version of the Bible that strikes out any connection between the Jews and the Holy Land, and a history of Chicago politics, all of which will be released as soon as they are examined by biblical archeology specialist Rev. Jeremiah Wright.


Jeff Dunetz is the Editor/Publisher of the political blog “The Lid” (www.jeffdunetz.com). Jeff contributes to some of the largest political sites on the internet including American Thinker, Big Government, Big Journalism, NewsReal and Pajama’s Media, and has been a guest on national radio shows including G. Gordon Liddy, Tammy Bruce and Glenn Beck. Jeff lives on Long Island.