Matchmaker, matchmaker, am I too fat?

It happened just a few weeks ago.  I was speaking with a Torah scholar and seasoned teacher of seminary girls in Jerusalem about my lecture series on how to eat healthy without dieting.  She responded with, “We can’t have you speak here.  The girls need to lose weight or they’ll never get a shidduch.”

“Excuse me?”

“You and I know that it isn’t right, but these girls want to get married and they know that if they’re a size 14 or bigger, they’ll never get a shidduch.  You can’t tell them not to diet.”

“But dieting is unhealthy,” I responded.  “95 percent of people who diet gain back the weight, usually even more.  That is a huge percentage of failure.  There are ways to learn to eat when hungry and stop when satisfied, and to have a healthy relationship with food – while maintaining a normal, healthy weight.”

“Yes, but will they lose weight quickly if they do that?  They’re under tremendous pressure to be thin.  They’re too desperate and they need to get married.”

I felt defeated.  How could I help these young girls if their teacher – their mentor and role model – wasn’t willing to listen?  I tried again.  “Please realize that eating disorders are on the rise.  Girls in seminary often become so obsessed with wanting to be or stay thin that they endanger themselves with chronic dieting, closet eating, and sometimes anorexia or bulimia.”

“Yes, I know,” this teacher responded without hesitation.  “Do you know how many girls vomit now?  And they say, ‘It’s only once a day, or only a few times a week,’ so they convince themselves it’s okay.  I know it’s terrible, but what can I do?”

And still I was unable to convince her that these young women need to hear a different message.  How could this beloved teacher prefer to ignore a girl’s self-induced vomiting instead of trying to help?  I walked away shocked at the unwillingness to solve this overwhelming problem.

What can we do?  How can we change the system so that our daughters love the body that the Creator of the Universe designed for each one of them?  So they are not plagued with self-doubt about their appearance?  And so that they develop healthy eating habits early on, when marriage means playing dress-up in the basement with their dolls?

Here is a list of suggestions for you and your family:

• Stop dieting.  (“What?!  How can I stop dieting when I have so much weight to lose?” I hear you respond.)  The truth is that diets are dangerous.  Yo-yo dieting is the repeated losing and gaining of weight from dieting (because ninety-five percent of dieters gain back the weight and then try again). It is bad for your health.  It weakens the immune system and puts the dieter at greater risk for heart disease.  Diets are dangerous because the thought processes of a frequent dieter overlap with those of an eating disorders patient.  Thoughts like, “If only I didn’t have to be tempted by any food at all,” or “I must work out in order to burn off the extra calories I consumed,” or “I’ll just skip a couple of meals and that’ll be ok.”  In fact, two-thirds of all new eating disorder patients have dieted only moderately in their lives.  And if you diet, your risk of developing an eating disorder is five times more likely.  Diets are dangerous because they destroy a woman’s self-image, making her think she’s the failure for not keeping off the weight or sticking with the regimen.

• Stop berating your figure in front of others, especially your children.  (“But what if I look fat?  Why can’t I say I need to lose weight?” I hear you counter.)  The truth is that speaking badly about yourself is not only lashon harah, it greatly affects those around you.  If your daughters hear you talking about how fat you look or how much weight you need to lose, they will think it is normal, that this is how they’re supposed to behave.  They will also mimic you, saying and believing the same things, whether true or not.  Go to any Jewish elementary school, even the most religious school in your community (where you might assume this doesn’t happen), and listen in on a typical fifth (sometimes even fourth) grade girls’ class.  Most of these ten year-olds (and younger) will talk about how they need to be on a diet, how fat they are, or how many calories are in their snack.  It is a constant and it is detrimental – this kind of talk sows the seeds of an eating disorder.

• Recognize your internal signals of hunger and satisfaction – and then listen to them.  In other words, trust your body.  (“But I don’t have internal signals!” and “I can’t trust myself!” I hear you object.) We are all born with internal signs that tell us when we’re hungry or when we’ve eaten enough.  Pay close attention and be sure to eat when you’re feeling empty and not before.  If you eat when you’re not hungry, that’s overeating and it leads to obesity.  By the same token, pay attention to when your body begins to feel full, and then be sure to stop.  Not because your plate has been cleared, not because you feel stuffed, not because the bag of chips is empty.  Stop eating when your body feels comfortable.  (Rambam recommends this – that we eat until we’re about three-quarters full, giving us enough energy to move comfortably.)  Try doing this at least once a day; then try it twice a day, then three times, until it becomes habit.

• Get some good information on proper nutrition and follow it.  (“I know I should, but I love the greasy food I’ve always eaten,” I hear you sheepishly admit.)  How many grams of fat should you eat in a day?  Do you even know?  And how much do you actually consume?  I’ve sat down with people who eat a day-and-a-half’s worth of fat at one meal.  Do they really have a conscious awareness of what they’re putting into their bodies?  I’ve seen people go through a whole day and consume foods rife with chemicals and preservatives, with nary a gram of fiber or nutrient.  Do they truly understand the damage their doing?  Read good nutrition books and start making small changes in what you eat.  Keep at it, changing one thing every week or two.  This way you don’t shock your system – either physically or psychologically.

• That’s right, folks:  exercise!  (And here I usually get the most protest:  “I just don’t have time,” or “I hate it when I sweat,” or simply, “I hate exercise.”)  First of all, studies show that people who exercise are no less busy than those who don’t, but they’ve prioritized exercise so it becomes an essential part of their day.  So I don’t buy the “I don’t have time” excuse.  Take ten minutes – that’s it, just ten minutes – and walk around your block.  Do ten minutes every single day for a month, and then move up to fifteen.  After three weeks get to twenty, stay there, and you’ve made an exercise routine that does not interfere with much, doesn’t cost loads of money, is easy on the joints, and won’t make you sweat all that much.  The truth is, and I am speaking from experience here, people who hate to sweat and begin exercising come to love it.  Sweating and working out feels really good once you train yourself.

• Tell your sons and brothers to look past dress size. (“But they want to be attracted to the woman they’re dating,” you explain.)  Since when is it acceptable to dictate a woman’s size? If girls were to tell their friendly neighborhood shadchan that they only wanted to date boys who had six-pack abs, or who could bench 180 lbs. and run a 5.5 minute mile, wouldn’t they be considered shallow and not marriage material?  Why aren’t girls asking the shadchan for these criteria?  Perhaps if they did, the Orthodox community would stop allowing boys to make equally ludicrous requests. Girls, just like boys, come in all shapes and sizes.  I’ve seen fat boys, skinny boys, tall boys, and short boys.  And I’ve seen girls just the same.  I’ve also seen handsome young men get married, and within a couple of years begin balding or putting on pounds. I’ve seen skinny young women get married, and within a couple of years look much heavier.  Looks can (and do) change.  Please remind these young men that marriage is about the long haul, about going through life’s trials and tribulations, and any prospective partner should be kind, gentle, generous, and supportive.  When a married couple faces unemployment, sickness, or other hardship, no man will say to himself, “My wife is falling apart and I can’t depend on her, but at least she’s skinny.”  Most unfortunately for the young woman at the seminary where I visited, the message from their very own teacher and community is clear:  diet or stay single, even though only five percent of you will succeed.

Let me be perfectly clear:  Diets don’t work.  Low self-esteem doesn’t work.  Obsessin g over weight doesn’t work.  A single girl with obsessive weight concerns and eating issues (and possibly an eating disorder) will most definitely bring these into her marriage.  How could any unhealthy habit be beneficial to a new marriage, which by itself is a difficult endeavor?  How could it be beneficial to a pregnancy?  I have personally witnessed an Orthodox pregnant woman faint from hunger, because she was too nervous about gaining weight and was refraining from eating.

And to that seasoned teacher and to you, dear reader, let me remind you:  “V’nishmarta meod lenafshoteychem.”  Guard your health – eat when hungry, eat healthy, and exercise.  Then work on your middos and try to make the world a better place, and try to find a spouse who does the same.  These things are much more important than a size 14.

Pamela Moritz is the founder of Worth the Weight™, a program dedicated to healthy eating, healthy lifestyle, and positive self-image.  She has recently moved to Chashmonaim, Israel.  To contact her about lecturing in your community,  email her at wtw@moritz.bz.