How NOT to win friends and influence people

On Facebook last week, I noticed a post by someone I wasn’t friends with, but who’s name sounded vaguely familiar. Leslie Kellner: I knew that name from somewhere but couldn’t quite place it. Along with the post was a picture of four boys, circa the 1960s, in dark suits, white shirts and boutonnières. Looked like a bar mitzvah picture. At a quick glance I didn’t recognize anyone and decided to move on, when Leslie added a comment asking if anyone recognized the boy on the right. At closer inspection, I realized it was none other than my husband Jerry. I commented that I was married to the boy on the right.

He commented back, “Tell Jerry, Leslie Kellner has some stories about the old days. Let me know his expression when you tell him.”

In the same thread online, he went on to tell one of those “stories.” It was his bar mitzvah and his friends were sitting on the dais, Jerry and his brother on the far right. Some time during the evening, the caterer let Mrs. Kellner know that one of the floral centerpieces on the right of the dais was missing. No one took responsibility.

Though Jerry was usually suspected, no one was blamed him. But the evidence, once the bar mitzvah movies were developed, showed Jerry lifting the flowers and putting them under the table. Caught red handed!

I commented back that I would give Jerry the message. 

A few minutes later, it hit me. I remembered where I heard Leslie’s name. Jerry’s mom told the story of when her friend, Mrs. Kellner, called her up and said, “Molly, your son told Leslie if he didn’t pay him the money he owed him, for the candy bar he bought from him, he would kill him.” Since Jerry’s brother was in first grade at the time, Mrs. Joszef laughed and said she would talk to her son. Mrs. Kellner asked how she could be laughing, after all it was a very serious matter. Jerry’s mom responded with, “He’s 6 and in first grade. He’s not going to kill your son.”

When Jerry got home from work, later that night I told him about chatting with Leslie online. I told him about the floral centerpiece, and asked how he could do such a thing. “Why in the world would you hide the centerpiece under the table?”  I asked angrily. He responded, “Um I don’t know, could it be it was 47 years ago and I was just a stupid kid at the time. Are you seriously angry at me now, for then?”

I told him Leslie messaged me and said he had lots of stories from the old days. Jerry said he would love to hear them, as he had no recollection of the centerpiece robbery he was involved in. And so, a few days later, Leslie filled me in on a few more unsavory escapades.

Like the time Leslie and Jerry would be on the same school bus with Tony, the bus driver. One day, when they were in third grade, after a snow storm, while waiting for the bus, Leslie began to roll around in the snow until he was covered from head to toe. His mom screamed and asked, why he would want to go to school all wet. Leslie just shrugged, because after all, how could he tell his mom, that he was pre-warned by Jerry that if he didn’t get on the bus full of snow, there would be a price to pay, a heavy one. Yes, Jerry was bad to the bone. It came to a point that his mom had to pay Tony, the bus driver, $5 a week protection money.

Then there was the time at the end of third grade when Leslie’s mom told him, they would be spending the summer at Turkin’s bungalow colony. Leslie said he remembered, as if it were yesterday. He threw himself at his mom’s feet and cried out, “No, you can’t do that to me. Don’t make me spend the summer with Jerry, anything but that.”

Turns out the summer wasn’t that bad after the first two incidents. On the day everyone arrived, Jerry asked Leslie if he wanted to play war. Leslie said he would and a group of boys headed through the woods. “Somehow” (hey, Jerry’s my husband, I, at least have to try to make him look a little less evil) Leslie was roughed up a bit and left behind in woods that he was completely unfamiliar with. Silver lining was, he figured his way out and was nor lost again the rest of the summer.

The second incident was when Leslie was sick with a fever and virus and was sleeping in his bungalow. With his mom out of the bungalow Jerry and his friend decided to pay him a visit. Poor Leslie woke up disoriented and being bombarded with pillows. Let’s just say Jerry took bikur cholim (visiting the sick) to a whole new level.

Leslie managed to suppress memories of other atrocities Jerry likely committed  that summer. 

For those of you horrified at this point — especially Leslie’s beautiful aunt, Mrs. Marilyn Katz, whom I hear is an avid reader of my column — I will tell you, that when Jerry started high school he turned the corner and become one of the kindest, giving and most  caring people. Obviously, he had a lot of making to do.

And yes, after I told Jerry all of the stories, he felt awful and called Leslie to apologize. The two spent quite a while on the phone reminiscing and plan to meet in person. I might just tag along in case Jerry reverts back to his old ways, or Leslie finally decides to take vengeance. 

So instead of whipping your friends, try this whipped feta recipe instead. This recipe comes from Ina Garten and is delicious!

Whipped Feta and Cherry
tomatoes on toasted bread

Ingredients:

6 ounces feta, crumbled

2 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature

2/3 cup olive oil, divided

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons minced shallots (2 shallots)

2 teaspoons minced garlic (2 cloves)

2 tablespoons good red wine vinegar

2 pounds ripe heirloom or cherry tomatoes, 1/2-inch-diced

3 tablespoons julienned fresh basil leaves, plus extra for serving

20 to 25 (1/2-inch-thick) diagonal baguette slices, 

Directions:

For the whipped feta:

Place the feta and cream cheese in a food processor and pulse till cheeses are mixed. Add 1/3 cup of the olive oil and lemon juice, 1 tsp. salt and 1/4 tsp. pepper. Mix until smooth.

Tomatoes:

Within one hour of serving, mix the shallots, garlic and vinegar in a medium bowl. Set side for 5 minutes. Whisk the remaining 1/3 cup of olive oil, 1 tsp. salt and 1/2 tsp. Pepper. Add the remaining tomatoes, stir gently and set aside. For ten minutes, then add the basil.

Assembly:

Spread each piece of toasted bread with the whipped feta, then with a slotted spoon, place tomatoes on top and sprinkle with extra basil.If you like, you can add some pine nuts, but it’s optional.