Dear Aviva,

I’m what one would call a sensitive soul. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. However, I take every little thing to heart! I get offended easily, worry about what people think of me, and wonder if I am well liked or not. How can I obtain a thicker skin and not let every little thing get to me? 

-Thin Skin

Dear Thin Skin,

I hope you talk to yourself. I think that’s the answer. The answer for sure is not to just get over yourself. Because I don’t want you to walk around like a numb-robot. They are no fun to be around, unless we define fun as “bashing another mercilessly.”

I am all for emotions. I am totally into happiness, satisfaction, excitement, pride and the like. I am also very interested in our uncomfortable emotions, like pain, disappointment, annoyance, frustration and sadness. They are all there for a purpose. Imagine if your car’s “check engine” light stopped working. Well, that’s how you would be if you just got over your sensitivities. Uncomfortable emotions (and I credit David Statman for teaching me that they are not “negative emotions,” rather “uncomfortable”) are there to tell you that something just happened that affects you. Now it’s your job to take your car to the mechanic.

Who is your emotional mechanic? You are! That is where the talking to yourself part comes in. So, what you have to do, and this part is key, you just have to slap a Bluetooth onto your ear, and start talking to yourself wherever you are! Don’t forget to cut yourself off every few sentences to say to the people around you in a semi-hushed tone, with a semi-apologetic face, “Sorry, I’m on the phone.”

Ok, no, don’t do that. Instead, when you are alone, start talking to yourself. “That really hurt me when she said that.” “I am really upset right now.” That basically states the facts. Now for the next step: “Why does that hurt me so much?” You will get a different answer, depending on who you are and what is going on. Maybe you are hurt when you feel vulnerable. Maybe you are offended when you feel as if nobody is including you. Maybe you get scared when you feel out of control. Maybe you get angry when you feel belittled.